|Sporkage XIX [Special]
||[Jun. 6th, 2008|03:11 am]
|||||The Rasmus - Back in the Picture||]|
We don't usually do this...cut into short stories, but this one? I'm sorry to say it, but this one was kind of too much of a 'SPORK ME'. 'nuff said.
Offender's Name: There is mutliple pain!
Offended Fandom: Original
Style: Forum Posted Story
Notable Traits: Rocks, fish on griffins, non-cryptic prophecies, and grammar that's guaranteed to make you bleed or I'll cut me own throat.
J: The title bodes ill for my brain.
Long ago the people lived without darkness.
J: Oh no! Constant daylight!
V: Dang…I hope they had good curtains.
J: I feel bad for those with fair skin.
V: Whoever invented sunblock at this time would be an instant millionaire.
Everyone loved each other and there was no murder.
J: All the other sins were OK.
V: Does that mean that if I shot someone to kill them they wouldn’t die because I wanted to murder them? Or does it mean that the word ‘murder’ had yet to be inserted into the dictionary?
No one stole or cheated on their spouse or envied their neighbors.
J: *sings* Neighbours… everybody needs good neighbours…
V: …more like Moore’s Utopic nightmares.
The Lord of Darkness, of ultimate chaos hated the perfect world.
J: The perfect world kept stealing his newspaper.
V: Hang on…she just said that ‘people lived without darkness’…how can there be a ‘Lord of Darkness’ if there is no darkness?
J: He had an umbrella. So really, he’s Lord of the Shade.
He growled in anger and frustration, causing the ground to shake violently.
J: Ooo! Geo-thermic vocal chords.
V: *starts worrying*…where do hurricanes come from?
J: … when he… sneezes.
The people were frightened, something they had never been before.
V: Can you see frightened?
J: Feel the terror. Oh. No.
V: Ph33r the Lord of Dorkness!
They believed that the Creator was mad at them.
J: Understandable, since they’d been stealing His newspaper.
The people could not understand what they had done to deserve the Creator’s anger.
V: The people are always dumber than they look. ‘Dear Lord of Darkness, I am sorry you did not like the book-review this week…’ in the editor’s column should give it away.
J: But how would he know about that? His paper was stolen.
V: Oh. Yes. My bad. Er...internets?
Lolz Cat input: I's in ur tubes blocking ur internets!
The people hid, afraid to show their faces.
V: Because they were ugly.
When the earthquake stopped, the people timidly came out of hiding, they saw the bodies of loved ones scattered across the earth, but the earth was no longer perfect. Trees had been uprooted and the mountains themselves had split.
J: Does there really need to be a ‘but’ there? Bodies of loved ones are all well and good, but if there are mountains split…
V: Is that anything like banana split?
J: Yes. I like the way that that’s ALL the bad things that have happened. Trees gone, mountain crumble. No tidal waves, volcanoes, plagues of locusts…
The frightened people buried their dead; there had never been so much grief.
The grief soon turned to anger.
J: Grief: Oh hey, Anger, there you are. Good thing I turned around.
V: Anger: Oh, hiya, Grief, long time no see. Where’ve ya bin!?
J: Grief: Nowhere much. See, I didn’t exist until a moment ago.
The people were angry with the creator for hurting them.
J: That’s how mad they were. They downgraded him from the capital letter.
V: Grief turned to the Creator.
J: Grief: Wanna play checkers?
V: Creator: Nah. I wanna watch these two people rewrite Season 2 of Days of Our Lives.
They refused to give him offerings and cursed his name.
V: Cos that’s the number one best way to ensure that no more earthquakes happen.
J: They are only afraid of earthquakes, not lightning bolts.
The Creator looked down upon the people and wept.
V: (Cos Grief is still with him)
J: Grief: It’s OK, you didn’t lose too badly.
V: Creator: Those were my life's savings! Do you have any idea how long it takes to make all that money?
J: Grief: Best of three?
The Lord of Darkness, Vandergal
V: He’s got a name now? No wonder the Creator is upset about it all…the poor guy probably gets called ‘Big C’ or something…
J: All hail, Big C!
V: *wails* What've I done!
had turned his people against him. He decided to leave the people to their own fate, since they no longer had faith in him.
J: What a bitch!
Vandergal, the Lord of darkness was overjoyed at the Creator’s abandonment. Now he could rule the earth. First he sent a great sickness upon the people and many died.
V: Social Darwinism in the extremes.
J: How is that ruling the Earth?
V: He’s probably just clearing up some space to make his palace or something…
The people still believed the creator was punishing them, they cursed his name, but he did not hear.
V: Cos he was too busy playing checkers with Grief.
J: Their theological beliefs leave a lot to be desired.
The Lord of Darkness caused evil after evil to take place; pretty soon the whole world was in chaos.
J: Oooo! Pretty!
V: Wow…look at all the pretty lightses!
But after many years of despair, there came those who still had faith in the Creator.
They formed together and fought back at the evil forces. Years later things began to look better.
V: Because the Big C had finally starting beating Grief at checkers.
But that had all taken place a thousand years before. Now the Creator seemed to have come back to the people.
V: I suppose playing checkers for a thousand years plus will take it out of you. Not surprising that he might need a new hobby.
The sun began to shine bright once again and hope spread through the world. But there also came a shadow that soon threatened the light.
J: As opposed to the shadow that was already there.
V: You forget that the Big C’s no longer playing checkers with Grief, so Grief’s probably come back too.
J: I think the shadow is the Sue.
They were called the Shadow Riders. Made from the essence of the Lord of Darkness, they had no souls and were totally evil.
J: Like, totally.
On his command they would once again move through the world to conquer it.
Chapter 1: An undiscovered Heroine
J: I wonder where this is going…
V: Hang on….this thing comes in Chapters?
J: Yes. One where ‘undiscovered’ is does not have a capital but ‘heroine’ does. Hey, maybe it’s about a drug deal!
Adriana lifted the tray of food and made her way through the swinging doors.
J: The doors attempted to hit on her, but realised that she didn’t swing, and they went back to their Swingers Club.
Blasts of conversations welcomed her
J: So abrasive. Surprised she didn’t fall over.
as she swerved through the crowd. She finally came to her destination and set down the food for the guests.
V: Wow. She must’ve walked miles. The food will be cold by now.
A man smiled and flipped her a bronze coin.
J: She was used to getting flipped the bird.
V: Tipping for cold food. Bah.
She smiled back and made her way to the kitchen for more food. Adriana’s mother was yelling orders to the cook. Again Adriana was given another tray and she was off.
This was the life Adriana lived. She helped around the inn, which her mother and stepfather owned. She was used to others calling her the innkeeper’s daughter.
J: Because… she… is…
V: ‘Sword of Shannara’ anyone?
J: I haven’t read that. Sounds good! Sarcasm mode cancel.
She doubted if many people knew her real name.
V: Should they?
J: Which was Mary-Sue.
Adriana wondered what if anything new would happen in her life as she placed a tray in front of some more guests. They were too busy talking to really to take notice of her. She was used to people never really paying attention to her. She could be a wall for all they cared. Adriana was very pretty, no one could doubt that, but she never talked. Her life pretty much consisted of working. When she wasn’t working she would daydream of a different life. Ever since her mother had married Adriana’s stepfather she had been pretty much ignored.
J: Wah! Wah! Angst! Angst!
She could barely remember her father who had dried when Adriana was three years old.
J: A tragic accident involving a towel, a bath tub and a blow-dryer.
All she knew was that he had been an innkeeper and her mother had acquired the estate when he died.
V: ‘estate’….the ‘inn’ is an ‘estate’…okay…I can work that out I think…
J: That’s why it took so long to bring the food. She had to cross the main lawn.
It wasn’t that her mother didn’t care for her she was just too busy.
J: Keep telling yourself that, darlin’.
Marrying Kevin was supposed to help, but it seemed Adriana’s mother now worked harder then ever. A voice shouted out from the kitchens. Adriana sighed and picked up her pace.
J: “Stupid disembodied voices,” she thought. “And now I’ve dropped my pace. Where is the dratted thing?”
She would have to ponder later; there was work to be done.
J: Later – “There was work to be done,” she pondered.
V: Two days later – “There’s work still, yet to be done,” she repondered.
Miles and miles away something evil was lurking.
V: Well…considering the pile of dishes collecting in the sink I can understand why it was lurking far, far away.
A dark shadow played across gray stonewalls as the wind howled outside. A shape loomed into view, heavy footsteps echoed through the halls.
J: Loomed where? This is confusing.
V: Into view. I’m still trying to work out whose view though, cos it’s not mine.
J: I resent the implication that I’m in this awful scene.
The black clad figure took out a key ring laden with many heavy keys and fit one in the lock. The door creaked open and the figure stepped inside. The door was closed and the figure sat on a great wooden chair and removed his hood. The only light in the room bounced off the man’s bald head.
J: Bouncy-bouncy-bouncy! Wait… does that mean his head produces its own light?
V: Damn kids with their damned laser lights. Oh…shit, that’s a sniper - …
J: Boom! Headshot!
An earring glistened and the rings on each of his thick fingers glowed as well. The man shifted his large body nervously. He was not fat, but carried a certain bulk. Strong biceps grew tense as a swirling black mist erupted from a corner of the room. Slowly the mist shaped itself into a hazy, misshapen shape.
J: Let’s hope it’s the thesaurus, come to save us.
Hollow eyes seemed to study the man. The big man shifted yet again. The mist opened an invisible mouth
J: How could you tell?
V: Bad breath.
J: Evil always has halitosis.
and began to speak in a raspy tone. “Emperor Rashnag.” The thing greeted. “I have orders.” The voice seemed to echo through the chamber. Rashnag shivered as if an icy blast had just hit him. The thing moved closure to the Emperor. “I will once again release my Shadow Riders into the night.” It hissed. “When I do, you shall once again gain the power you had years ago. The figure flickered a little. “Then you shall release me.” The thing said. “And once again the world will know darkness.”
V: Isn’t it already night time?
It laughed, its laughter like dry leaves rustling in the wind. The laughter died as the thing vanished.
J: I hate laughter that overstays its welcome.
V: It never pays its bills either.
J: I wish the Sue would vanish.
The Emperor rose and shook his head hard.
J: Does anyone else have an image of a dog shaking water off?
V: I’m just afraid it’s gonna fall off…or maybe he’s trying to dodge the sniper?
A tingling sensation seemed to be growing through him.
J: It’s getting very tingly in here…
He began to feel stronger by the moment. He grabbed a hold of a metal brace, he squeezed. The brace crumbled like dust beneath his fingers.
J: Dust was always crumbling beneath him. He’s a reverse Midas.
Now it was Rashnag’s turn to laugh.
J: Can it be my turn next?
The world would once again know his wrath.
J: Rashnag: Take my newspaper, will you…
V: Hey…is he like a nagging rash?
It was approaching evening and the traffic in the inn began to slow.
J: The cars began backing up, and it was total gridlock.
Now it was time for the travelers to sit around and tell tales.
J: Which is all you can do in gridlock.
V: Well…you could honk horns too…
J: That’s just stories in Morse code.
J: Three short… three long… three short… that can’t be good.
Adriana loved this part of the evening. She would sit with the travelers and listen to their wondrous adventures. Today an old man sitting by himself in a far corner of the inn caught her eye.
J: She’d been playing marbles with it earlier, and it had bounced off the table.
As she glided over
V: Wow…she can fly….I’m impressed.
J: I’m not. All Sues can fly.
with a drink for him, he smiled. “Thank you young lady.” He said. “Would you like to hear a tale?” Adriana grabbed a chair and listened
V: Youth these days. Whatever happened to the ‘oh yes please, if you don’t mind’…
J: Sues don’t need no stinking manners!
as the old man began his story. It went something like this:
Long ago when chaos was just settling a powerful young man came into power.
V: Because obviously the powerful always come into positions of power. Like in a power-plant.
J: … *edges away*
He promised the people that he would protect them and guide them through the troubled times ahead. He did just that. His name was Arminius.
V: I know him! His cousin Armajorius runs that kingdom in the north…
J: And his brother from the east, Armaxius, and their mother, Arminiskirtus.
He had long golden hair and bright green eyes. It seemed that all the women in the village fell in love with him,
J: But really, they were being paid by the hour.
but according to customs Arminius had to choose a bride of noble birth. He finally found one and everyone was amazed by his choice. For Arminius hadn’t chosen some dark-eyed beauty but a light-eyed plain girl.
V: She was born on the plains.
J: Is that like the Valley?
V: I think so. Only flatter.
J: Isn’t she supposed to be a noble? Few nomadic plain cultures have royalty.
V: Sueism does not take social anthropological fact into consideration, J, you should know that by now.
J: Oh. Right.
Her name was Althea. Soon they were wed and had children.
V: No foreplay. This guy doesn’t waste any time does he?
J: Sounds more like they didn’t have sex at all. Maybe the kids came with the marriage. Like… buy one, get two free…
V: Useful I suppose. Certainly saves time.
J: Less fun, of course, but it means the Sue doesn’t have to worry about pregnancy.
V: It would throw biologists into the dumps though.
Two hundred years passes and there was peace, good kings ruled and died.
J: Bad kings lived forever and ever.
But peace cannot last forever and on the two hundred and first year of peace a man rode in from the west, with him was a large army. The stranger with his army was able to overthrow the king. The man who had led the army then declared himself Emperor and called himself ruler over the entire world.
V: Is anyone else seeing a pattern here? Guy dies, invader takes over?
J: So who died to let the Sue take over?
This man seemed to have strange powers, and he reined for a hundred years.
V: Because reining in a hundred years takes strange powers.
J: That poor horse…
In those one hundred years the Emperor never aged. After a hundred years of suffering another man rose from the mist.
J: Rose… from the mist… *facepalm*
V: Rose…from the mist…*morphine shot*
He called himself General Brimstone.
V: Brimstone?! As in sulphur and brimstone and hell and…how many incarnations of the devil are we going to get? Is this still Chapter 1?
J: I think so. Feels like chapter ten.
V: It’s certainly the devil of all chapters.
He gathered up an army of fifty thousand men. He also gathered up all the most powerful sorcerers and sorceresses he could find. He was able to defeat the Emperor, but could not restore peace. The people were already far too corrupted. The Dark Lord of the underworld seemed to have been beaten, but not completely.
V: Not with a General Brimstone walking around, that’s for sure.
J: Shouldn’t this sort of thing be in the prologue?
The old man took a deep breath. Adriana stared at him in wonder.
J: Adriana: That was the worst story ever. No discount for you!
She had heard the story many times, but never had she heard it told so well. The old man looked at Adriana and sighed. “He has again risen from his grave.”
J: Old Man: And he’s ever so dreamy… I wanted his poster for my room, but they were sold out. *pouts*
Adriana looked at him shocked.
J: Creepy old men didn’t do it for her.
“Adriana!” Her head snapped toward the direction of the voice. Her mother was stomping toward her. “Get in the kitchen and help Tammy clean up!” She snapped. Adriana turned to thank the man for the story, but he was gone. She wondered how the old man had disappeared so fast.
J: I’d run from the Sue too.
Lord Ethan took a long chug of his wine.
J: Lord Ethan’s Knights: Chug! Chug! Chug! CHUG! CHUG! Yeaaaaaaaaaaah!
It slid down his throat,
V: like a block of smoothed steel
V: heated steel.
J: It was special fire wine.
He sat down and studied the woman bowing before him. She had long brown hair and large brown eyes. Quite pretty he thought. “What is it you ask?” He demanded in a quiet but harsh voice. “I am asking for my husband’s release.” The woman told him. “I’ll do anything you ask, but please let him go.”
The Lord grinned. “Warm my bed tonight and I shall see about releasing your husband.” He said.
J: Lord Ethan: With the use of my special warming pan. It retracts, you know.
The woman looked up at Ethan, frightened.
J: Woman: Not… the warming pan… I’ve heard it doesn’t adhere to Work and Safety regulations.
V: No, the licence got revoked and they had to redesign.
Her brown eyes had the look of despair upon them. “Very well.” She whispered.
V: Just like that? No argument? Just…okay, I’ll sleep with you even though it goes against my morals.
J: Everyone is against foreplay in this world.
Lord Ethan prepared to rise and take the woman to his chambers when the doors to his throne room banged open. He looked up. Both his guards were knocked flat on their faces, their pikes shoved into their backs. A large shaven haired man came striding toward Ethan.
J: Who shaves their hair? Does his hair grow little hairs? Does his ponytail have a five o’clock shadow?
“Who the hell are you?” Lord Ethan spat. “How dare you come barging in here!” The man paid no attention to Ethan and caught him easily by the throat. “The Lord of Darkness demands payment.” The man said. “No, please.”
J: Wow. The Lord of Darkness says ‘please’.
V: ‘No’? No?!
Ethan said gasping for air.
J: “Gasping for air”? What an odd thing to say.
The hand closed around his throat with a crunch. The Lord began to spasm; soon he was dead, yet the hand continued to close around his neck. The force brought Ethan’s head off with a pop.
J: Lord Ethan – really a bottle of champagne in disguise.
V: Good year!
The head rolled on the floor by the woman’s feet. She screamed high and loud.
V: Because screaming low and softly would beat the point. How many ways can you scream?
J: She needs to put a cork in it… Get it?
Emperor Rashnag began to laugh uncontrollably.
Ignatius woke up with a start.
J: Every time I see this name, I’m reminded of the troll Igneous from the Discworld books, who runs an all-night pottery shop. Is there any special reason this guy is named after a rock with bad spelling?
V: Maybe his mother was a hedgewitch..get it? Hedge? Witch?
He was breathing fast. The dream had seemed so real.
J: A Sue had been after him. Dr. Goldberg had said the night terrors would have gone.
V: Then he remembered that he hadn’t taken his pills.
J: I just hope he didn’t mess the bed. Again.
He threw off the covers and jumped out of his bed.
V: And looked around to see if he could find the meds, but for some reason they were not lying on the nightstand the way they should be. Darned thieves, always going after the drugs.
J: But they remained ‘undiscovered’. See, this is where that heroin comes in.
He grabbed the water pitcher and splashed water on his face.
V: He did not turn the pitcher upside down over his head.
J: Which is the classy thing to do.
He dried his face off and tried to slow his breathing. Just a dream. He reminded himself.
J: Just, you know, generally reminded himself.
V: Not lieutenantly reminded himself.
He began to study the room he was in.
J: Why does he need to study his own room?
The blue curtains fluttered in the breeze.
The room was silent and dark. Ignatius wondered what had caused the dream.
J: He should have known those damn olives were off.
If any of the other knights knew he was frightened of a dream they would laugh at him.
J: These knights had never faced Sues before.
Ignatius knew one person who wouldn’t laugh, and that was Krag, the old seer.
J: Krag, the old seer, knew of Sues. Brag, the new seer, less so much.
Throwing on his cloak, Ignatius bolted out the door. The seer would be able to tell him what the dream meant.
A thousand miles away in the dead of the night black shapes scourged from the hills.
J: I want to make fun of that sentence, but there’s too many things wrong with it to know where to begin.
V: Well, why don’t we start with ‘scourged from the hills’…I’m just stuck on how you ‘scourge’ out of things…
Black Griffins soured with their Shadow Riders,
J: *sigh* The Griffins have gone sour again.
V: *sigh* Oh dear. Hopefully the unicorns haven’t pickled.
wings thundering in the soundless night.
V: How can it be a soundless night if there’s thundering of wings?
J: Random Physics Professor: Well, you see, what happens is… Is that a Sue? *bolts for the door*
Griffins and riders seemed to materialize from the mountains. The riders and their steeds thundered on, spitting up in all directions.
J: Run! Griffin vomit attack!
V: Eeeep! *opens up umbrella*
J: Lord of the Shade: Hey! That’s MY umbrella! First my newspaper, now my umbrella…
V: Oi! Get your own!
There seemed to be no end to the beating of wings.
It was a beautiful spring day and Adriana was stuck inside cleaning plates from tables.
V: What else would she be doing? She’s the Innkeeper’s daughter for cripe’s sake. Contrary to common belief, innkeeper’s children do not always end up running away from home under adventurous circumstances.
J: Shush... We’re establishing how Awful the Sue’s life is.
Smoke drifted thickly through the air, but she was used to it. The travelers always found excuses to light up their pipes.
J: Typical hippies.
The sudden sound of the door bursting open caught Adriana’s attention.
J: “This is a raid! Put down the bongs and send the Sue out!”
“Riders in the East!” The figure in the door cried. “They’ve destroyed Kastlenog!”
V: Heaven forbid! Is Kastlehog still standing?
J: And Kastlebog? That’s a castle built on a swamp, you know.
V: Random High Hippy Patron: wha? The eggnog’s finished?
Several men in the room stood up abruptly. The man in the doorway was breathing heavily, trying to regain his breath.
J: If he wants it back so badly, he shouldn’t breathe so hard.
“It is rumored that the Riders have returned to reclaim the world!”
J: “Rumoured by me! And rumours are always true!”
The several that had stood up began to talk amongst themselves. “Impossible!” One shouted. “They’ve been gone for over 300 years!”
J: “It’s almost as impossible as the ability to pronounce numerals!”
“We must warn the king!” Another shouted. “We must go to arms!”
V: “And then to legs!”
Yet another man yelled. The men rushed out the doors, some leaving their food untouched.
J: Others stayed to finish their meals. Gotta face evil minions on a full stomach.
V: But most didn’t move at all, too drunk as they were to even get an inkling of what was going on.
As if by some warning that half her customers had just left Adriana’s mother came running in from the kitchens.
J: That whole shouting thing just went in one ear and out the other, but leave without paying…
“What is going on in here?” She demanded. “They are saying the Shadow Riders are back and have destroyed Kastlenog.” Adriana replied. “Utter nonsense!” Adriana’s mother spat. “I hope you’re sensible to not believe in such a rumor!” “Of course not mother.” Adriana said. Her mother then turned and headed back into the kitchens. Adriana couldn’t help but shiver.
J: Does the Suethor have something against correct formatting? Repeat after me, chunky paragraphs are not your friend.
Could the Shadow Riders be back for real?
J: Fo’ real?
V: Word, dawg.
If so what did it mean?
V: It means fasten your seatbelt, Dorothy, cos your author’s gonna conjure up a storm.
J: I thought her name was Mary-Sue.
V: Everyone knows that Sues have at least one other name.
That night Adriana couldn’t sleep. She had heard many more stories of riders raiding cities in the South and East. She couldn’t help but believe that the stories were true. Would they come to a small fishing village? Again Adriana shivered. In all the stories that had been told as a child, the Shadow Riders destroyed everything in their path. No one was sate from them.
J: Yummy Shadow Riders – you can’t have just one.
Adriana closed her eyes and tried to let sleep overcome her. But she knew deep inside that something was terribly wrong.
J: She knew she was a Sue. All the signs were there. The angst, the nausea she causes…
Ignatius rode swiftly on horseback. He followed the other knights into the forests.
J: I think my mind just froze at that word.
V: *is too busy thawing to reply*
They were on their way to Borg
V: Resistance is futile, you will be assimilated.
J: *mutters* Trekkie.
V: Am not!
to protect that castle and its rulers. The Shadow Riders were once again on the loose. Ignatius shivered, not in fear of the riders but of the seer’s reply. When Ignatius had seen the old seer to tell him of his dream, the seer immediately went into a trance. The words the seer had uttered still echoed in his mind. “Old will renew itself,
V: Darn, they stole my theory on renewable resources…patent theft!
J: I thought perpetual motion was impossible.
V: Only if you think about it on a perpetual basis.
darkness will once again reign.
J: Yay! Darkness learnt to spell!
V: It might just be a phase.
An Emperor of old will be reborn and life itself will be stopped. Only one can stop the fate of the world, yet if the chosen is not found, all will be lost.
J: Worst. Cryptic. Prophecy. Ever.
Ignatius didn’t doubt one bit that the Emperor of old that the seer was talking about was Rashnag. But who could possible be the chosen one?
J: I wonder… Maybe it would have been more cryptic if the seer had said “the Chosen One will be a daughter that no one calls by her name.”
Before Ignatius could ponder anymore an unearthly scream echoed through the forest. Black Griffins ridden upon by black clod
V: ‘black clod’…is that some sort of fish?
J: Fish warriors. That’s new.
V: Certainly original.
J: Fear my fins of death.
V: *cue Jaws Music™*
warriors fell onto the knights.
J: Rain of fish!
V: Reign of fish?
They seemed to have come out from nowhere. Ignatius turned his horse around to face his attacker. The man’s hood fell back, revealing eyes that seemed a flame.
J: Flamed fish.
When Ignatius glanced again at the figure, he wasn’t sure it was a man.
J: I just said. It’s a fish.
But he had no time to wonder. A sword clashed down against his own. Ignatius swung his sword hard, forcing the rider’s sword from his hands. The man screamed as Ignatius buried his sword into the man’s chest.
J: I hope he remembers to clean him afterwards.
V: Sword. Sword. Sword. Ever tried saying that ten times really fast?
The rider crumpled and fell. The screaming continued. To Ignatius’s horror the screaming wasn’t coming from the man, but from the Griffin. Fire squirted from the Griffin’s mouth, Ignatius was barely able to get out of the way. He swung his sword once again and it sliced the Griffin’s head clean off.
V: Always knew Griffins were spineless.
The monster screamed one last time before it too, died.
V: Hmmm…Most things tend not to be able to scream when their wind-pipe has been sliced in half. Fascinating anatomy these critters have.
Frantically Ignatius looked around. The rest of his group was not doing well. Half the knights were littered across the forest floor, which was now covered with blood. Ignatius slashed down two more riders and their Griffin’s.
J: Their Griffin’s what? And why did two fish have one Griffin?
V: I always thought Griffin’s ate fish…
Then from his left side a rider attacked. Time seemed to stand still as Ignatius was stabbed on his side.
V: That’s called ‘not paying attention’.
J: Why was he on his side? Admit it. He fell asleep.
Blackness engulfed his vision and he felt the horse rear.
J: *stares* HE JUST MOLESTED HIS HORSE!
V: *dials the Horse Protection Service Line*
He gripped on the reins with what strength he had. He felt the wind whistle in his ears before he lost consciousness.
J: Between his ears more like. $5 says the Sue finds him.
V: I won’t take that bet.
J: I’ll give you really good odds.
Adriana was washing laundry in the stream when she heard the sound of horse hooves. Quickly she looked up and glanced around, but she saw nothing. Then out of the trees ahead shot a black and white horse with a rider sliding off the saddle. Adriana quickly jumped up to grab the horse. It backed up and neighed when she grabbed the reins, but quieted at the sound of her voice. Adriana looked at the man on the horse; he was very pale, his long dark hair streamed down, covering his face.
V: Like in the RING!
J: Samara-Sue? That’s a new one.
His left side was caked with blood; he seemed to be barely hanging onto life. Adriana knew she had to get the man some help, and soon if he were to live.
J: If he died, she’d still get him help. Patching up dead guys is a Sue industry.
She quickly led the horse to Mistress Anna, a skilled healer.
Adriana led the horse and rider to a small brown-bricked cottage.
V: Handy these cottages, always popping up right when you need them.
The door opened and a gray haired man stumbled through. “Out!” A woman yelled waking him with a broom.
J: Damn squatters. Although the alarm service leaves a bit to be desired.
“I don’t need your so called eternal water! How dare you insult an old woman like myself!”
J: “Not me, of course, but one like me!
The man hurried away from the old woman.
V: We know she’s old…repeating it won’t make us know it better.
Mistress Anna glanced up and saw Adriana and the injured man. “Oh dear!” She cried. “You two over there, help me carry this man in here!”
J: “For the orgy.”
V: “Hope he’s got good stamina!”
Two young men who had been standing and chatting quickly went to come help.
V: Young men seem just as handy as cottages, popping up when you need them.
J: They went to come? We likes tautologies, we does.
They grabbed the man carefully and took him into the cottage, Adriana followed closely behind. The two men left, leaving Adriana, the man and Anna alone.
J: Can you be alone with three people?
V: She’s a Sue! She can do Anything!
Anna began to examine the man’s wound. “I can see he still breaths.”
V: For an old woman she’s got sharp eyes.
J: Sharp like knives. Not too good with the spelling and grammar though.
V: She’s not wearing her reading glasses.
J: Glasses that magically enable her not to speak poorly?
She said. “The wound is infected, hand me some solvent.”
V: Sounds painful. Don’t you use solvent to get rid of glue?
J: She’s trying to detach him from the story.
Adriana handed her a large bowl of orange sticky cream.
J: “Excellent. My sorbet is ready.”
“Start a fire my dear and get some rags heated up.” Mistress Ann instructed again. “Adriana knew where to find the firewood and crock pot, for she had helped Mistress Anna prepare many ingredients.
V: I thought you could only prepare with ingredients, she must be talented to prepare ingredients themselves.
J: She’s a Multi-talent!Sue. She can grow herbs in her hair.
V: I have got to get me one of those!
J: It’s like a chiba pet, but a Chiba!Sue.
Adriana could tell the difference between many of the healing plants used.
Hours passed and Mistress Anna once again changed the stranger’s rags. Adriana sat there stoking the man’s hand, as if she were comforting him. “Shouldn’t you get back to the inn? You mother may need your help.” Anna said as she washed out the blood soaked rags. “She can survive.” Adriana suddenly snapped. “The worst I’ll get is a scolding.” Mistress Ann said nothing more.
A glitter of light caught Adriana’s eye. She looked to see a large medallion on the stranger’s chest. “What’s this?” Adriana asked. Mistress Anna looked up at the medallion. “What do the letters say?” The old woman asked.
V: Look for yourself, you old crone. It’s right in front of you.
Adriana shook her head. “I can’t read, you know that Mistress Anna.” She said. “Curse this old brain of mine, of course you can’t read!”
J: “Stupid me! You’re a Sue, and need some minor flaw so you don’t appear perfect! Let’s make it one easily remedied by your OMG!TWUWUV!”
Anna said grabbing a hold of the medallion to read it. “It says “Domini hastar e Rena, which translates to: Long live the King.” Anna said. “He must be a Knight of Progder.” A mumbling sound startled Adrian. The man began to stir. “Hurry…must warn King…
J: “Of bad formatting…”
V: Elvis has left the building!
Shadow Riders are coming…they’ll burn Borg.” He gasped. “What do you mean?” Adriana asked. “He’s…” The man said, and then stopped, his breathing was slowing; he didn’t have enough strength to finish.
“Shadow Riders!” Adriana exclaimed.
J: I’d have thought the exclamation was indicated by the exclamation point.
The light from the burning city flickered off the Emperor’s bald head. His eyes glistened as he watched the city burn. Screams pierced the night air. A cruel smile played upon Rashnag’s lips. Let the traitors burn. “Your Excellency.” The voice brought his thoughts back to his troops.
J: Actually, the correct mode of address for an Emperor is “Your Imperial Majesty”.
He turned his horse around. A pack of horse was approaching him.
V: But he turned them down because he had long since stopped smoking. He was living proof of its effect on your formatting.
A man in rich red robes and a gold crown upon his head sat on a horse,
J: How can the crown be both upon his head and sitting on a horse? Is this man also a horse?
flanked by three of the Emperor’s soldier’s. “Ah King Boris,
V: “Ah King Boris! Got any vodka on you? I’m fresh out!”
J: “Nyet, you filthy capitalist swine.”
V:…but why is the vodka gone?
how kind of you to join me.” The Emperor said. “What have you done?” The King demanded raising his bruised face. “You’re not even supposed to be alive.”
Emperor Rashnag laughed coldly. “Unlike you I have been given a second chance.”
“Curse you!” The King grumbled.
J: “And all your ancestors, yada yada.” So enthused, these kings.
The Emperor frowned at the King’s words. “Bow down to me, join me, it is the only way.”
V: “You have no choice. It is your destiny. You… like your father… are now… mine!”
“Never!” King Boris replied. “I’d rather die a thousands deaths then bow to you!” With that he spat at the Emperor’s feet. The Emperor stopped laughing.
V: I’d stop laughing too if someone spat at my feet after that speech.
J: He wasn’t laughing at all. He was frowning.
“Fool, now you shall die as your people have!” He growled as he dismounted from his horse. “Stand him up.”
V: That’s right, you heard him, invite him out and then don’t turn up.
J: But… the king was on a horse… why does he need to be stood up? If anything, he should be stood down.
He commanded. The men took the king form his horse and set him before the Emperor.
Before anyone could blink Rashnag shoved his sword into the King’s stomach. Blood squired as the sword was withdrawn. The King gasped and fell to his knees, and then he toppled over. Blood began to seep up around the ground,
J: Why? The ground didn’t get stabbed.
the Emperor stepped back to avoid getting any on his boots. He then bent over and plucked the crown
V: Like a ripe plum off the tree.
J: Kings grow crowns, you know.
from the dead kings head
J: Two dead kings? How many kings does this city have? And why do they share a head?
and placed it on his own head. A soldier approached Rashnag, a young woman in tow. She stood tall, chin pointed upward.
J: “Fear my pointy chin.”
Dirt lined her face,
V: Fascinating stuff this dirt, no need for makeup here.
J: No, it lined her face. Like… insulation. To keep her warm.
and her dress was torn. Rashnag could see she had fought against her capturers.
J: But not her captors.
The soldier bowed. “May I present to you the King’s daughter?” The soldier said. The Emperor grinned. “A pleasure.” He said licking his lips.
When Adriana rose and left that morning her mother didn’t stop her. Adriana supposed Mistress Anna had spoken to her last night. When Adriana arrived at Mistress Anna’s a middle-aged man was talking to her. “Borg was burned to the ground last night, and their king was murdered!” The man said. “They say the Emperor himself is back and had his troops sack the city and kill the inhabitants! He murdered the King then raped the King’s daughter, King Boris’s blood still dripping from his hands.”
J: “And then he had crumpets and tea and played with his dollies and it must have been truly awful because I heard from my mother’s friend’s sister’s housemate that all the horses went mad with madness!”
Mistress Anna looked like she was going to be sick.
V: Lots of people got that expression when the Sue talked to them.
“Rumors I dare say.” She said, but she didn’t looked convinced with her answer. The man didn’t leave, he kept talking. “You need to help us! A great sorceress like yourself should be able to defeat the Emperor!”
V: I thought she was just the healer?
J: It’s the grrl power! thing. All women are secretly Sues with mystical powers.
V: I resent that.
He said. Mistress Anna shook her head. “I don’t have the powers I used to, I dare say I would be much help.”
J: Wait… that doesn’t make sense. Yes AND no?
V: She has 133t skillz!
Mistress Anna spotted Adriana
J: With a texta. Dalmatian!Sue.
and turned to her. “Come in Adriana, your stranger’s fever broke
V: into a million pieces
last night. “Is it true?” Adriana exclaimed.
V: “Yes, dear, his fever broke into a million pieces. It’ll take forever to stick it together again, I’m afraid. Oh well.”
J: “He’ll just have to survive to be lusted after by you. Kiss him, see if he ends his own life.”
V: “Or if that fails…”
“Is the Emperor really alive again?”
Mistress Anna sighed. “I doubt he lives, but something in my old bones believes that something evil is stirring.
V: I knew arthritis was good for something.
The old woman squatted down next to the man. To Adriana’s surprise his eyes opened.
V: Because eyes never open, of course.
Ignatius eyes searched the face above him.
V: Ack. Must. Save….brain…from…grammar!
J: How can eyes be ignatius? I don’t think that’s even an adjective. Let me get the Sue-Dictionary of Eye-watering Adjectives. </b>
Where was he? Ignatius bolted upright and threw the cover from his body. The woman that had been looking at him backed up. A firm hand pressed on Ignatius’s shoulder. He turned and to his surprise he was face to face with an old medicine woman.
J: Sometimes you can just look at a woman and know she does medicine.
V: Or drugs.
“Calm down my son.” The woman said.
J: He’s her son? He must be a Stu.
“You are now safe.”
“But where am I?” Ignatius wondered aloud.
“You are in the town of Woodwind.”
V: “About a day’s ride from Brass and three leagues south of Percussion.”
The woman said. “Your horse carried you here.”
V: Yup. Picked him up and carried him.
J: Ignatius: It’s about time he pulled his weight. I’ve been hauling his arse everywhere these past weeks. Mmmm… horse rear…
V: *reaches for the phone*
“But the riders, they’re back!” Ignatius said, “They attacked me and my men, we must leave before they come here!”
“Sit!” The old woman snapped.
V: “Beg! Roll over! Play dead!”
Ignatius sat back down on the bed. “There are no Shadow Riders here.”
V: Wow. He has a brain.
J: Not that it’s helped us.