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Sporkage XVIII [May. 25th, 2008|06:30 pm]


[Current Music |Massive Attack - Tear Drop]

Our Sporkers need a break after the trauma of the last bio, but they're back now! And reasonably undamaged!

Offender's Name: Apocalypse Raccoon
Offended Fandom: Metal Gear Solid
Role-play style: Forum
Notable Traits: Does not know kung fu

Name: Peter ?

J: His cousin is Paul !. A whole family of punctuation marks.
L: I once knew a guy called Simon Comma.
J: You did not.
L: OK, I didn’t.
J: Discworld has Fred Colon.
L: I’m disturbed that you linked Terry Pratchett’s genius in any way with this filth.
J: I know. I feel dirty.

Age/Sex: 34/Male

Code Name: Apocalypse Raccoon

J: Usually, the first word in the code name indicates the agent’s special talents; SNIPER Wolf, REVOLVER Ocelot, DECOY Octopus. What does ‘Apocalypse’ indicate?
L: That he’s the Anti-Christ.
J: I’m not sure whether that’s actually appropriate or whether it’s a desperate plea from the player for ‘cool’.

General Description: Wears black leather trench coat, with silver sunglasses. About 6'4", slim build, black goatee, short black hair, tattoos of thorns and barbwire all over his left forearm.

J: I KNOW this guy! Although he’s usually wearing a death metal T-shirt and glaring at passers-by as their clothes are not suitably hardcore.
L: Nothing says ‘cool’ like thorns and barbwire, right?

Wears black custom made shoes with shiny steel heels. Every time he walks there's a soft "ting".

L: Wow, it’s like he raided Wannabe Generic Bad-Asses R Us.
J: Why does he need custom made shoes? Are his feet abnormally shaped?
L: He has clown feet, just like Sideshow Bob. The shoes need to be especially big to fit his feet.
J: He’s a clown? That explains so much.

Wears black t-shirt under his jacket and black pants with a leather belt. He has a eye disease.

L: Does he keep it in a box?
J: Since this is Metal Gear Solid, I wouldn’t be surprised if he does.
L: He has the first strain of a new pink-eye epidemic, ready to sweep the nation.

His right eye's blood vessels burst giving his eye an all red appearance.

L: Why did the blood vessels burst?
J: His brain tried to give himself an aneurysm in order to save humanity from the stupid.
L: Or did he catch his own pink-eye?

Wears shotgun shells over his chest.

L: Just as, you know, a fashion statement.
J: Gucci will be bringing out a gun holster next fall.

Good, Bad, Rogue, Neutral: Bad

Nationality: American

Skills: Expert marksman; can kill anyone in a matter of seconds;

J: Sometimes those seconds reach twelve figures, but that’s just how he counts.
L: You know, that’s not exactly a ‘skill’. I can do that too, given the right tools.
J: Such as?
L: Oh, lots of things. A bottle, a car, a tank, a thermo-nuclear weapon, stuff like that. It’s killing someone in a matter of weeks that takes talent.
J: Good point. An ‘expert marksman’ would aim for the head, and I’m pretty sure that kills almost instantly.

extreme expert in silence and stealth;

J: He’s totally extreme, man.
L: Hangin’ on the flip side, diggety-dog.
J: That’s not funny when I do it, I don’t see how it could be when you try.
L: How exactly can you be an “extreme” expert in silence? Do you base-jump very, very quietly?

no martial arts skills;

L: He DOESN’T know kung fu.
J: What? But he’s dressed just like Neo! How can he NOT know kung fu?
L: Maybe this is an attempt to “tone down” the character so he doesn’t have superpowers.
J: Why, exactly? So far he’s pretty generic for Metal Gear Solid.
L: Because giving him martial art skills would require actual knowledge.

supreme planner and manipulator

L: I wonder… will there actually be any EVIDENCE of this?
J: Of course not. I like how he is the SUPREME planner.
L: All other planners must bow to him.
J: He’s the Douglas McArthur of bad Matrix rip-offs.

Preferred Weapons: Dual Silver plated Desert Eagles; Shotgun, 6-inch blade, along with the unique idea of using long ropes with hooks

J: How is using Scorpion’s weapon from Mortal Kombat unique?
L: Clearly he’s putting the ropes with hooks INTO the shotgun.
J: Isn’t that called a harpoon?
L: Woah, you’re using big words now. I don’t think his little mind can take it.

Background: Apocalypse Raccoon was born in an unknown area in America.

J: Area 51, perhaps?
L: He was grown in a lab of Gary Stus, designed to sap the morale of society.

All his known relatives are deceased.

J: Yes, given the state of most Stu’s punctuation, his relatives ARE dead.
L: With the way he maltreats other punctuation, it’s only a matter of time before he kills himself too.

His parents were killed in a plane crash when Raccoon was an infant. His father was a high ranked military official.

J: His mother was a comma.
L: Is that why he hates them? Was he not hugged enough as a child?

Raccoon was raised up in the American and its allies militaries.

L: Little known fact: the SAS and the Marines both have a crack squad of men who are able to breastfeed infants.
J: Why was he raised in the military? Were there plans for a combined baby assault against opponents?
L: My bet is that they were planning on using him as a landmine detector.
J: *snort*
L: (as infant) goo goo, ga ga. KABOOM!
L: You’re the one laughing.

He learned every skill and every technique taught throughout the world.

J: Even basket craft. Fear his mad basket weaving skills.
L: Not to mention his long-practiced squid-fishing technique.
J: Basically he can do anything.
L: Reassemble an assault rifle in under thirty seconds?
J: Yup.
L: Juggle?
J: Yup.
L And yet he doesn’t know kung fu.

When Raccoon turned 16, he was recruited in FOXHOUND where he received his code name "Apocalypse Raccoon".

L: Seriously, why ‘raccoon’?
J: No doubt they found him rummaging in the garbage behind FOXHOUND HQ.

FOXHOUND commander Roy Campbelle gave him the name "Apocalypse" due to Raccoon's complete disregard for human life

J: Whereas I would have given him the name because clearly his birth signalled the beginning of the end of the world.
L: I concur.
J: Wait! This was CAMPBELLE, not Campbell! Obviously this is some sort of pseudo-FOXHOUND catering to Stus.

and he Campbell gave him the name "Raccoon" due to his dark appearance and the fact that Raccoon kills best in the night.

L: …
J: …
L: Did he just make a racist slur?
J: I’m… not sure.
L: Are there no other creatures that kill at night?
J: I don’t think ‘Apocalypse Catfish’ really has the same ring.
L: I don’t see ‘Raccoon’ being much better.
J: Actually, Apocalypse Catfish is kinda growing on me.
L: I still prefer your reasoning behind the ‘raccoon’ part.

When Raccoon was 19 he was assigned to assinate

L: Now that just sounds intrusive.
J: ‘assinate’? That’s not a word.
L: Maybe he just jammed a few words together. He meant “ass in ate”.
J: That’s worse.
L: Heh. He ate ass.

a Soviet Colonel in a small Russian village.

L: In Soviet Russia, ass eats you!
J: Yes, I think we’ve had enough of that.

The operation was suppose to be covert and silent, but Raccoon murdered everyone in the village and lost his target.

J: This is supposed to be a SNEAKING mission, Snake.
L: He lost his target? NO! Really? Wow, he REALLY is a ‘supreme planner’.
J: Definitely. How could slaughtering an entire village NOT work?

Raccoon was disbanded from FOXHOUND.

J: You disband a unit. You kick out an individual.
L: And you neuter a Stu.

Raccoon blamed FOXHOUND for destroying the only life he had.

J: Classic projection of own issues onto another party.
L: What are you doing? Making a list of things stupid people do?

He sought vengeance and started hunting down members of FOXHOUND one by one. His first target was the notorious leader Big Boss. Before Raccoon could make any plans he heard of Big Boss's demise at the hands of Solid Snake. Raccoon then added Snake's name to his hit list.

J: Snake was already part of FOXHOUND, so technically he already should have been on the list.
L: Dude, you’re like, using KNOWLEDGE of the games and back story. That’s not on.
J: My mistake. I forgot that plot gets pulled out of the Stus arse whenever he needs it.
L: If Hideo Kojima can do it, so can they!

One by one members of FOXHOUND started to emerge dead. The government discovered it was Raccoon behind the attacks. The high ranked members of FOXHOUND created a setup to trap Raccoon. The Soviet [now Russian] Colonel, who was the target in Raccoon's last FOXHOUND mission was hiding in Europe. Raccoon also blamed the Russian Colonel for getting away and ruining his life.

J: (as Raccoon) It’s your fault you’re alive! And it’s also your fault I’m an idiot!
L: (as Colonel) I swear, I didn’t mean to drop you on your head as a baby! Well, actually I did, but that’s because I thought you were going to be used to clear mines out of Cambodia the next week!

Raccoon caught up with the Colonel in Germany.

J: Where all Russian colonels have holiday houses.

However when Raccoon un-holstered his silver plated Desert Eagles lights blared all around him and the American military revealed itself.

L: All of it. Right down to the drummers in the ROTC from Arkansas.

The Russian Colonel stood up and revealed himself as FOXHOUND member Decoy Octopus. It was a trap.

J: Gasp.
L: My. God. The. Shock.
J: Such a surprise, since he just explained that it was a TRAP!

The American government caught Raccoon and sent him to prison.

Raccoon spent two years in prison before he escaped.

J: American prisons are just getting shoddy.
L: Wouldn’t his crimes have classed as treason, therefore the death penalty?

The government became aware of Raccoon's escape and wanted him dead. The government chose FOXHOUND member, Liquid Snake to dispose of Raccoon. Liquid studied up on Raccoon.

L: There was a course at the local community college.
J: Gary Stu 101: How to avoid them

He met up with Raccoon in Kiev, Russia.

J: As opposed to Kiev, Texas.
L: He DOES know that there are other places than Russia and America, right?
J: Metal Gear Solid doesn’t, so why should he?

Instead of executing Raccoon, Liquid offered him the opportunity to join him in a revolution against the world. Liquid explained his plan to take over a nuclear disposal facility on Shadow Moses Island in Alaska. Liquid then explained that he needed Raccoon's strong skills in manipulation and persuawsion

L: Be wery wery quiet, we’re hunting Waccoons.

incase Psycho Mantis could not dig into the minds of the DARPA Chief and the ArmsTech President.

J: Because apparently having the supreme torture talents of Revolver Ocelot was not enough. Liquid had to turn to Stu McStu for help.
L: You should know by now that NO ONE in canon is as awesome or talented as the Stu.

Raccoon felt honored, but he refuse Liquid's offer. He did promise however, that whenever Liquid needed help Raccoon would be there.

J: Clearly he won’t, as Liquid JUST asked him for help.
L: Why did he refuse, exactly?
J: Because then he’d have to give reasons why he wasn’t in the game.
L: When it’s clear the reason is because he’s a one-dimensional moron.

The current whereabouts of Apocalypse Raccoon are unknown. It is believed that he is hiding somewhere in Russia or Romania.

L: Is he Voldemort now?
J: No, because that would have been interesting.