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Sporkage XVI [Mar. 6th, 2008|10:42 pm]
Spoonyfork

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[talumin]
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[Current Music |Silverchair - Undecided]

Offender's Name: Dikei Kumori
Offended Fandom: Harry Potter
Role play style: Forum
Notable traits: Angst abuse, part-cigarette

Character Name: Dikei Kumori (means decaying shadow)

J: This is just off to a fantastic start.
L: What language is that in?
J: Japanese. Although technically it actually means ‘shadow decay’.
L: Like tooth decay?
J: I’d say that his shadow was just rotting away, but the player would probably think that was cool.
L: Too many sweets. And his name kind of looks like ‘dike, I’.
J: What are you saying?
L: That he’s admitting to being from Holland.


Age: 18

Blood: He thinks it's Pure (as he was told) but he is actually Half Fire Demon-Half Wizard

L: Buh?
J: Of course he is.
L: You told me that there wouldn’t be any more crossbreeds when we spork.
J: I lied.
L: I don’t recall seeing anything about demons, fire or otherwise in Harry Potter.
J: That’s because you weren’t reading the special edition that the player pulled out of his arse.


Hogwarts House: Slytherin

J: Why am I not surprised?
L: Because the only POSSIBLE house for a half fire demon would be Slytherin.
J: I’m willing to bet he has excessive angst.
L: Nope, I’m not taking that bet. They ALL have excessive angst.


Year: 7th

Family: GOD NO!...

L: Funny, I’ve been saying the same thing about everything he writes.

But if I must...

J: Oh I see, he thinks he’s funny.
L: This can’t end well.
J: He reminds me of you in that regard.
L: Ha fucking ha.


Father - Muraki Kumori - secretly a Fire Demon

J: How can you be ‘secretly’ a fire demon? It doesn’t seem like the kind of thing you can hide under a trench coat.
L: “Don’t mind the flames shooting out of my nostrils. I had some jalapenos for lunch.”
J: “No, I’m pretty certain your curtains were on fire BEFORE I got here.”


(MURDERED BY DIKEI KUMORI)

L: Oooo CAPSLOCKY.
J: Are we supposed to be shocked by this? Is this why the capslock key was so abused?
L: Maybe it got stuck.
J: This is Harry Potter, after all. CAPSLOCK OF RAGE is standard.
L: Is it just me or does his name sound like ‘dicky’?
J: You’re pronouncing it wrong.
L: No, I think he’s just a dick.


Mother - Umi Kumori - Witch (DIED FROM STRESSFUL ENVIRONMENT)

L: Office politics can be murder.
J: Did you want to know what his mother’s name meant?
L: Sure.
J: ‘Beach’. Which makes her ‘shadow beach’.
L: What’s his father’s name mean?
J: My dictionary doesn’t have it.
L: Maybe it’s a demon word meaning ‘he who shags the shoreline’.


Pets: None

Favorite Subject: N/A but if he must say it would be Potions

J: ‘Not applicable’, he says. Because learning isn’t cool.
L: Why Potions? Because he’s Slytherin?
J: No, because it’s the one he has the least chance of spelling wrong.


Favorite Spell: Crucio

L: It’s my favourite spell too, when performed on the people who write this crap.
J: Don’t you sense how badass he is? He LIKES an evil spell!
L: Such a Slytherpush.


Character History: Only 3 months after Dikei was born, his mother passed away from the stress of her living style.

L: Servicing fire demons must be hell on your organs.
J: Was that a pun?
L: Her husband gave her heartburn.
J: Oh God, they get worse!
L: This brings up an interesting question. How exactly did she get impregnated? You’d think the sperm would boil away, and even if it didn’t, there’d be a scalding issue.
J: Stop talking.


So the young Dikei was to be in the hands of his father.

J: He must practice making sentences as unwieldy as possible.
L: Well, it’s a lot of work.
J: Why can’t he just say “His father had to take care of him”?
L: Because that doesn’t imply the tortured soul behind this piece of ‘art’.
J: You said that with a straight face. I’m very impressed.


However, his father was a corrupted man

L: I thought he was a demon.
J: Shh, it’s a secret.


who only thought of the material and physical desires of man.

L: Booze.
J: Football.
L: Hookers.
J: He used up his last hooker. I don’t think the agency will give him another one.


He had no more wife to push around

L: Should have kept a spare.

and force sex upon,

J: Another for the rape tally.
L: Just when I thought this couldn’t get worse.


now only a burden, a son. So his father decided to make use of him as much as he could

J: What could he use him as?
L: A footstool?
J: A coat-rack!
L: A snack.
J: A golf club.
L: We could go on and on.
J: We could, but probably shouldn’t.
L: A contraceptive!
J: What did I JUST say?


and treat him as he were a replacement for his wife.

J: This is getting creepy.
L: I can feel some angst coming on.


This meant beatings, rape, malnutrition,

L: Yup, there it is.
J: Does the unnecessary angst or the stupidity hurt more?
L: I think it’s funny that malnutrition is lumped into the same category as rape.
J: Normally when someone is raped, I’m sure they’re fed well afterwards.
L: The malnutrition explains why his shadow’s decayed. He hasn’t been eating enough vegetables.


and anything you could think of that was far from that of a good father.

J: No zoo trips.
L: And definitely no ice cream after dinner.
J: Wow, it’s like the demon is evil.
L: It’s like the player couldn’t even be bothered to come up with anything worse than MALNUTRITION!


As you can imagine, Dikei ended up making wrong decisions

L: Like when he left the milk out and tried drinking it anyway.
J: Or when he had to choose between buying a puppy and being stabbed through a hand with a nail gun.
L: Are those wrong, or just stupid?
J: With this one, it doesn’t make a difference.


and getting himself into trouble. He stole, he fought, he smoked,

J: From the ears, generally.
L: That just means he’s his father’s son.


he drank, everything.

L: I first read that as ‘he drank everything’.
J: There’s enough bad grammar without you adding more.
L: I can imagine him drinking everything though. Sipping a champagne flute full of lighter fluid seems oddly appropriate.


Even Drumstrang was having a problem with him ( the magic school his father actually had him go to)

J: Firstly, what the hell is ‘Drumstrang’?
L: The evil twin of Durmstrang? Famous for marching bands and not existing.
J: Secondly, why would a Japanese fire demon send his son to an Eastern European school?
L: Because only the best angst-y kids get to go there. Duh.


The school would send him home on 'vacations' which of course was like hell since he had to go home and live with his father.

L: That’s not ‘like’ hell, that IS hell.

During his third year, he killed his dad with an unforgivable curse.

J: Demons are apparently susceptible to this curse too.
L: Maybe he just tipped a tub of water on him.
J: “I’m meeeelting!”
L: Dikei = Dorothy. I can see that working.


The ministry had their suspicions, but they couldn't pin it on a 13 year old to know how to properly execute one of the curses. But he did.

L: O RLY?
J: YA RLY.
L: NO WAI!


And since he had no family to live with, the headmaster had to agree to have him actually live in the school.

L: I think the headmaster caught stupid from Dicky Dorothy.
J: The pronoun abuse! It stings!


Life ensued.

L: As it is wont to do.
J: *strangles player* Wait… does that mean it didn’t beforehand?
L: We can only hope.


Dikei was still the same guy,

J: Damn, I was hoping they might have switched him for someone interesting.

doing the wrong thing and never speaking about it as he learned very quickly was the best way to go about it.

J: He tried doing the wrong thing and then telling people about it, but they kept laughing at him.
L: Especially when he mentioned about going to the toilet BEFORE unzipping his fly.


But then in a wild rage that he never knew he could posses and for such a clouded reason,

J: I think he’s trying to link ‘clouded’ with ‘shadow’, so he comes off as deep and meaningful.
L: I think he’s mixed up ‘clouded’ and ‘confused’.
J: Why do you think that?
L: Because he’s called Dicky but is actually Dorothy.


he killed a 7th year in his 7th year

J: Department of Redundancy? I’d like to report a redundant case of redundancy.
L: Department of Redundancy? I’d like to report a redundant case of redundancy.
J: We did that joke last time.
L: Which is why it’s still funny!
J: You worry me.


with the same rage and same curse he used against his father. No one saw, but they knew it was Dikei.

L: Yes, it is very dicky to kill someone. Dicky, you dick.

The boy was in the same house as he and the two actually seemed to be friends.

L: More than friends, if you get my drift.
J: Deaf baboons get your drift.
L: See, this was his ‘clouded/confused’ reason. The 7th year hit on him, and Dicky felt all these new feelings and snapped.
J: That’s some serious repression.


But Dikei had a reason for killing him, a reason only his subconscious knows and hides.

L: He’s only proving my point.
J: I’m starting to agree.
L: That’s a first.


With no evidence and no excuse they kicked Dikei out of Drumstrang.

L: So everyone else is dicky too.
J: I hate being kicked out of non-existent schools. It looks so bad on a CV.


If they only had the evidence, they would have landed Dikei in Azkaban within seconds.

L: That sounds like a pretty impressive kick to get him to land in Azkaban.
J: Well, they take aim first.


But instead he was sent to Hogwarts,

J: Hogwarts – the OTHER Azkaban.
L: The similarities are astounding.


a place oblivious to the things Dikei has done.

L: The dicky things.
J: Enough!


For better or for worse?

J: My God! He’s managed to grasp rhetorical questions!
L: Although he doesn’t seem to realise that rhetorical doesn’t have to mean pointless.


But while Dikei lives his hidden passions

L: Total denial.
J: Come out of the closet, Dicky! Oh great, now you’ve got me calling him that.


and his hidden past which eats at him every living second,

L: There hasn’t been any angst for a paragraph, so he thought he’d catch up.
J: Just be glad he doesn’t get into bad emo poetry.
L: “The cuts that I cut bleed like blood from an open wound in the sky of my black and twisted bleeding soul.”
J: That wasn’t a request for you to try it!


something else does as well. Cancer.

J: When he goes for angst, he goes for it all, doesn’t he?
L: Are we supposed to feel pity? Because I have to admit, I’m kind of happy about this turn of events.


Dikei has contracted lung cancer from all the smoking hes done

L: And also from all the tar he drank when he was in his ‘drink everything’ stage.

and the early second hand smoke from his father.

J: I’m starting to think his father wasn’t a fire demon, just a giant cigarette and Dikei’s mother just got really drunk one night.
L: Well, cigarettes are appealing when you’re drunk.
J: This is going to a creepy place.
L: We got there a long time ago, my friend.


But his case is odd that the cancer has actually refused to move with magic.

L: It INSISTS on hiring two guys with a truck.
J: At least it doesn’t ask its friends to help.
L: Where’s it moving to? Someplace nicer, I hope.
J: Maybe his kidneys.
L: Or his colon.


Though it wont grow anymore, it still eats at his lungs causing random, bloody coughing fits.

J: Great, another sickly coughing wizard. Fantasy just doesn’t have enough of those.
L: So he’s got cancer so he can be all sickly, but it won’t actually kill him, so the player doesn’t have to do any research or deal with, you know, DEATH.


What will kill him first? The pain of his past or the cancer?

L: Or me?
J: My money is on his head collapsing since there’s clearly no brain in there to hold his skull up.


Its debatable.

L: Your mother’s debatable.
J: That’s very mature.
L: He’s pissing me off.


Characteristics of the Character: Dikei is a quiet guy normally found smoking a cigarette.

J: *shakes head* Still trying to get his father’s love.
L: Dicky, it’s only a substitute. Find yourself a nice boy who’s NOT on fire.


His eyes are usually in a glare and his aura says 'go away, you're not worth the time'.

J: I wish my aura could talk.
L: Mine once told me I had nice eyes.
J: Are you sure it wasn’t a mirror?
L: It WAS very shiny.


He has a troublesome past most likely being the cause of his cold state today.

L: Are my eyes bleeding? They feel that way.
J: That’s the unwieldy sentence again. Why does he feel the need to jam more words into an already overcrowded sentence?
L: It’s like trying to squeeze a foot-long salami through a doughnut.
J: I could have done without that image, thank you.
L: His cold state? Isn’t he a fire demon?
J: Maybe Scotland’s weather doesn’t agree with him.
L: Poor Dicky, does he have the sniffles?


Making friends isn't one of his goals for the year, nor does it ever even occur to him.

J: That’s probably for the best.
L: Yes, keep him as far away from people as possible, please.
J: Are we done? Please let it be so.
L: Yes, we’re done.

LinkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: cats_are_snakes
2008-03-06 08:50 pm (UTC)
Jesus bouncing tits! How do they come up with such crap. I couldn't write that badly if I tried.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: talumin
2008-03-06 09:57 pm (UTC)
I honestly have no idea. I'd like to blame naivete, but that would rule out so many opportunities for mockery.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: shadow_otm
2008-03-10 12:47 pm (UTC)
ROFLMAO!
(Reply) (Thread)