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Sporkage XV [Feb. 9th, 2008|09:47 pm]


[Current Music |Ini Kamoze - Here Comes the Hotstepper]

Offender's Name: Starless Riot Vanek
Offender's Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
RP Style: Forum
Notable Traits: Inflatable vampire, omnipresent hair

Character full name: Starless Riot Vanek

J: Really? Starless Riot?
L: It sounds like the name of a band.
J: Maybe it’s the name of the player’s band.
L: Google tells me that it’s not a band.
J: Yet.
L: Yeah, once the player gets her big break. Her parents say she’s AWESOME.

Character Age: 236

L: Have you ever noticed how ‘immortal’ characters always have an arbitrary number as their age?
J: Are you making a point?
L: I’m just wondering WHY she’s 236 and not, say, 247. There’s nothing in the bio that means she needs to be over two centuries old.
J: You think about this stuff too much. She’s that old because she’s SPESHUL.
L: Right. My bad.

Destiny: Villain
Level: level one
Species: Vampire. r a w r!

J: She really just said ‘rawr’, didn’t she?
L: Oh great, it’s one of THOSE.
J: “Aren’t vampires fantastic? I’d love to be one but I can’t so I dress in black and hiss at crosses!”
L: “My friends all say I have the best vampire makeup EVAR! If I had friends, that is.”

Character Description:
Her hair will be the first thing you'll notice.

L: Why? Is there a lot of it?
J: I usually notice the smell of these people first.
L: And does she mean the first thing you’ll notice ever? Because the first thing *I* noticed was a bright light, probably.
J: Well, she just has so much hair that it seeps into every delivery room everywhere.
L: That explains many of my childhood nightmares.

It's bright vibrance shows the world of color it's justice.

L: FINALLY! The world of colour will receive justice!
J: New legislation just passed will guarantee the coloured world equality regardless of, um… colour.
L: I just re-read that. Colour doesn’t get justice. It just gets shown it.
J: Hair is such a justice tease.

Flaming orange, red, and any other color you may spot whenever she feels like changing it.

J: So, it’s red.
L: No, no. It CHANGES.
J: Into what?
L: I’m afraid to ask.
J: ‘Flaming orange’. Maybe someone set her head on fire.
L: If only.

Her hair is basically a mass of color with the occasional plat and loose strand.

J: It sounds like someone dumped a tin of paint on her head.
L: A glob of paint, perhaps.
J: Combine that with the red hair and I’m getting a Carrie vibe.
L: What’s a plat?
J: A map of land that shows subdivisions. God knows why it’s in her hair.
L: Because her hair gets everywhere. We’ve established that.
J: So that hair you found in the shower drain? Hers.
L: Damn her!

Surprisingly the somewhat messy hair always looks rather neat and well kept.

L: Of course it does.
J: She’s a vampire. How can she check the mirror to tell if it’s messy or not?
L: How can it be ‘somewhat messy’ but also neat?
J: You’re thinking about it too much again.
L: My brain hurts.

Starless has very moody optics.

L: Damn PMSing optics.
J: Isn’t optics about physics?
L: Like I’d know. I’m concerned about hers, though. What makes them so moody? And how can you tell?
J: Maybe they lock themselves in the bathroom if you mention them gaining weight.
L: Bi-polar optics. One minute doing, er, optical stuff, the next, completely off the deep end, stabbing you with a broken beer bottle.
J: How do eyes hold a beer bottle?
L: Optics means eyes? It’s such a stupid word for eyes I COULDN’T TELL.

These will change colors often due to her constant use of contacts,

J: Thank God, it’s not due demonic possession or something else inane.
L: It’s still kinda pretentious.
J: Why does a vampire need contacts?
L: Now who’s thinking about it too much?

her real eye color though is an unnatural, almost scary shade of bright blue.

L: Damn those blue eyed freaks.
J: Unnatural, I tells ya.

Anger would equal a mixture of colors, varying with what color she's wearing, or what environment she's in.

L: Wait, what?
J: So her eyes change colour according to the environment?
L: No, this makes sense now. She has contact lenses and her optics are moody.
J: That doesn’t make sense. And what about the environment thing?
L: Well, her environment is one of an alcoholic, so her eyes have gone yellow.
J: So her eyes have three colours. That mix.
L: Like a cocktail.
J: Stop talking, you’ll give her ideas.
L: The next bio will have appletini eyes and Long Island Iced Tea hair.
J: You’re about to have a Black Russian eye.

Her pale complexion, however, makes her less elated than she is with herself.

J: Not only can’t I understand what she said, I can’t even understand what she was AIMING for.
L: Less elated? Maybe she meant ‘less inflated’?
J: Blow-up vampire?
L: Easy to pop with a stake.

It's ghastly appearance refuses to tan,

J: And being a VAMPIRE has nothing to do with that.
L: And kid? That ‘ghastly appearance’ was how you looked BEFORE the vampirism set in.

but rather peel in the future from a horrible sunburn event.

J: ‘Peel’ is a somewhat light term for ‘bursting into a fiery pile of ash’.
L: She’s peeling into the future?
J: Yes, the burn was so bad, it actually transcends time.
L: Damn, that is horrible.

Star's features are pointed, and boney. Refined, that's for sure.

J: Like oil.
L: Being pointy doesn’t mix well with being inflatable.
J: She’s got sharp edges.

Her skinny frame might be a cause of this elegance,

L: But it’s not.
J: No, it’s because of the oil.
L: Her features and frame are made of refined oil, which explains the horrible sunburn event.

but she sometimes wishes for a more attractive build.

L: I’m wishing for a more attractive bio.
J: Aren’t we all?
L: Something with six inch heels, maybe a leather corset, a whip…
J: I’m not sitting next to you any more.

This female is one for the skinny heights.

L: Skinny Heights, the supermodel high school.
J: This week, Tonny faces an eating disorder.
L: (as Tonny) “I can’t purge! I’ve tried everything! All the other girls can!”
J: Next week, Ingrid faces an eating disorder.

Having her history of anorexia in her human days,

J: She doesn’t just a history of anorexia, she has HER history.
L: She stole the files about it from the doctor’s office.
J: Yes, they got stuck in her hair.
L: They’ll go nicely with the plats.

it isn't surprising that she can barely put on any weight.

J: Being a vampire couldn’t help.
L: Blood is very low in carbohydrates.

She stands at a mere 5'1. Her weight only consists of a mere 96lbs.

J: If you’ve already used ‘only’, you don’t need to follow it with ‘mere’. That’s implied.
L: She’s a stick vampire!
J: The only vampire that can be used to stake other vampires. She does have pointed features, after all.
L: Are we sure this isn’t a crack bio about a really old stake?
J: Reasonably sure.

She's been maintaing it since her 'incident' many years back,

J: I’m curious about this ‘incident’.
L: I’m curious about what ‘maintaing’ means.

but has found it hard to put on any more weight. Her build is somewhat skinny,

L: SOMEWHAT skinny? She’s a frakking twig!
J: Don’t say frakking.

but she's been gaining a bit more muscle and fat now that she's back on track with her health situation.

J: Her health situation is that she’s dead. Remember? Vampire?
L: Yes, that was her plan all along.
J: For once, I’m in agreement with the creature.

If you've learned anything at all, you'll know that this female is all about the unique style.

L: I have learnt nothing from this. In fact, I feel dumber.
J: Unique is not the same as good. Wearing a banana peel as a jockstrap is unique, but it doesn’t make it cool.
L: What other unique stuff do you think she does?
J: So far, nothing.

Her hair is brilliantly neon,

J: Nothing about her is brilliant.
L: That’s not fair. Clearly her hair is smarter than her, what with all the important documents stuck in it.

features pale and ghastly, much to her displeasure.

J: And everyone else’s.

Short, slender frame to show about.
All in all, Starless has a great body...though she doesn't show it much.

J: She just said she shows it about.
L: I don’t think her optics are the only bi-polar thing here.

Clothing Style:

L: We’re only getting to clothing now? I don’t want to suffer any more!
J: When someone devotes an entire section to their clothing, you’re guaranteed a Sue.
L: My optics! They burn!

Starless believes in dressing according to what her heart is wearing.

L: So she wears lungs, ribs and a backbone?
J: Now THAT seems like a vampire.

In other words, you won't see her walking around in Abercrombie and Fitch.

L: Why would anyone’s heart wear Abercrombie and Fitch? It’d get all bloody.
J: Perhaps she means the people Abercrombie and Fitch.
L: You’re grasping at straws now.

She'll be wearing neon bows and stripe stockings through shorts.

J: Neon… bows?
L: Seriously? I know I’m outta touch with what these darn kids are wearing today, but neon BOWS?

She's crazy with her style,

L: She’s got mad stylin’ skillz.

but makes sure it looks good and put together, none the less. Some shops you might find her at are Urban Outfitters, Zumies, Wet Seal, or American Apparel.

J: It’s like a tourism guide.
L: The native Sue in its natural habitat will be drawn to brand names and can usually be found pawing at the merchandise.

Maybe Hottopic from time to time,

J: Yes, there it is.
L: Put down another mark on the ‘Hot topic’ tally.
J: They say vampire fashion sense dies the same day they do. This one must have been a right whore in the 18th century.

a little Forever 21 as well. In conclusion, she has a very distinctive, novel taste in what she wears. A style all her own.

L: Bought from brand stores so she looks just like everyone else.
J: I’m sensing a self-insert.
L: Just now? You’re getting slow.

During a mild morning in September a young woman was rushed into hospital. Her waters broken but but

L: Her waters broke But But!
J: Poor But But. Never stood a chance.
L: You will be missed.
J: Nothing could have stood in the way of that flood.

there was something wrong with the child and mother alike.

J: Well, they got that part right.
L: The mother was carrying a parasitic Sue baby. That’s very wrong.

A cold sweat swept over her head

L: Then did a light dusting around her neck.
J: Before vacuuming the armpit region.
L: Maybe they can use the vacuum to suck the Sue out of her.
J: That’s a scary mental image.

and a tall pale man grasped her arm. He was told to wait while they rushed her into a room.

L: Eep! A ROOM!
J: It was actually a bathroom and it took them ninety minutes to realise.
L: At least it wasn’t the drawing room this time.
J: Third time’s the charm.

He paced for what seemed like hours until a doctor appeared.

L: Out of thin air.
J: Summoning doctors. That has to be frowned on.
L: Particularly with such an easy ritual.
J: I pace often and doctors never appear in front of me.
L: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough.

No expression was seen across his face but Harry Williams feared for the worst.

J: Who’s he?
L: The Sue’s daddy, I suspect.
J: I couldn’t tell, as her name isn’t Williams, and his name is remotely normal.

The doctors words struck him so hard he felt to the chair.

L: Creepy chair perv.
J: That doctor is pretty violent too.
L: Verbal abuse for the win.
J: Leaves fewer scars.
L: Why are two doctors abusing him?
J: He paced too long and now he has a bunch of them.

He was informed to his beloved wife's death. They were unable to save her however their second child had survived.

J: I’m starting to think punctuation was the cause of the mother’s death, since the player clearly has something against using it properly.
L: What did spelling do to her then? Kick her puppy?

Harry returned home that night and placed the new addition to the family

J: He’d left the baby at the hospital and picked up a bunny on the way home.

in the crib he and Ginny had built together.

J: Oh no.
L: Harry and Ginny?
J: Oh no.
L: Yes, Control? We have a Harry Potter alert. Yes, it’s bad.

Drake, the eldest of his sons

J: Drake? This just gets worse.
L: Control? We’re going to need the napalm.
J: If one child is a boy, and the new one is the second child and a girl, how is Drake the eldest of the sons?
L: Hermaphrodite Sue?
J: Another one?
L: Better double that order of napalm, Control.

took on the role parent for his little baby sister Kitty.

J: Who the hell is Kitty? I thought this was Starless.
L: See? He DID bring home a pet instead of a baby.

Their Father was just too scarred to forgive the young child and what she had done to his partner.

J: I’d be upset too if my partner had been killed by a Sue.
L: Does she mean ‘scarred’ or ‘scared’? It’s hard to tell.
J: I don’t think it matters. Both are appropriate here.
L: What exactly did the Sue do to her?
J: Ripped her way out of the mother’s womb, as all Sue’s do.

It was true, Star was the reason to her Mother's death

L: Yes, we know. You told us already.
J: Redundancy Sue!
L: Redundancy Sue!
J: So she’s redundant?
L: Yes, redundant.
J: We’re done now.
L: The joke is now redundant.

but her brother didn't see it fare

J: Whose brother? The mother’s? The Sue’s?
L: Don’t try to unravel the bad grammar. That way madness lies.
J: That’s OK, I can borrow the fare for a cab from the brother.
L: No, because he can’t see it.

that such a young child was chosen to be on the receiving end of this grudge.
He cared for his little sister, he tucked her in at night, took her to school on her first day of school

J: Which was a much better idea than taking her to the abattoir on her first day of school.
L: I went to the zoo on my first day of school. I saw a monkey that looked a lot like this Sue.
J: I wish he had taken her to the abattoir.

and made sure she had everything she needed. Even after a several years Star was still on her Father's bad side,

J: His left side.
L: She couldn’t have just walked around?
J: Woah, you’re a thinker, aren’t you?

he would speak to her but hardly ever look at her.

J: Given her appearance, that’s understandable.
L: We don’t want to look at her either.

She was the image of her mother, his dear Ginny.

J: So that’s where she gets it from.
L: Explains the red hair.
J: Destroying two canons at once. Impressive.

Growing up Star got used to this arrangement until Harry fell in love once again. The tall, pretty blonde

J: The tall, nameless pretty blonde.
L: Maybe that WAS her name.
J: She went to Skinny Heights High too.
L: We welcome Valedictorian Tall Pretty Blonde.

was soon living with them and soon after that marriage was on the cards.

L: My bad. I got bored and started drawing on them.
J: I was wondering why there were six aces last night, and why the Jack of clubs said ‘Oh God oh God I can’t take it any more’.
L: That one wasn’t me.
J: The Jack of clubs always DID look a bit depressed.

Although scorned by both adults of the house Star was still a happy little child.

L: The denial is strong with this one.
J: This isn’t actual scorn. This is Sue!scorn, which means she wasn’t given the best of everything and a pony ever second Tuesday.

She had friends, her brother and spent any free time of hers drawing pictures.

L: She tried spending free time of her brother’s, but eventually got arrested for fraud.
J: The free time police are very strict, that’s why we have so little of it.

A happy child until she turned sixteen and whist wandering through a forest

J: Whist? And do people randomly go wandering in forests any more?
L: You forget. This is 1772.
J: You’re right. The completely generic setting threw me off.

something gave her a nasty little nip...on the neck.

L: Oh noes! Not the neck!
J: Where are the wrist sucking vampires? Or the armpit ones?
L: Armpit… suckers?
J: Yes, there’s an arterial vein in the left arm near the armpit.
L: Your knowledge of where blood is found scares me.

Really, that was just strange.

J: *facedesk*
L: I feel strange.
J: That’s bile in your throat.

She was soon turned into a vampire once weakened from the initial bite.

L: The Sue is ignoring that, because drinking blood is icky.
J: Then why make a vampire character?

Her sire took her under his wing.

L: His wing? Is he a vampire bird?
J: A vampire bat, perhaps.
L: Then how does he fly with her under his wing?

Star grew up to be a ruthless and unpredictable little vampire.

L: As opposed to the cuddly and sensible vampires that are everywhere else.
J: She can’t grow up. She’s a vampire.
L: You know, I’m starting to suspect she isn’t. She didn’t drink her ‘sire’s’ blood, she can get sunburnt… I think she’s just really, really, really old. It explains everything!
J: I think you’re right.
L: Although that makes her clothing choices a lot scarier.

Her sire, a vampire known simply as Duke to the girl and she learned through his vicious ways. He spent night

L: I didn’t know you could spend night. If you run out, will it always be day?
J: Vampires really shouldn’t be spending it then.
L: I wonder how much night you need to buy a bag of popcorn. I always get hungry doing these sporks.

bringing home pray

J: He found the pray in church.
L: I’d have thought you could get it from the supermarket.
J: “Aisle nine, toilet paper, baby food and requests to the Almighty.”

and playing with them until they begged him to just kill them. A ruthless vampire that saw no mercy but he found love in Star.

J: It was next to her spleen. The surgery to find it took all day.
L: OK, less hungry now.

The sort of love you find between Father and Daughter.

Both: … EWWWW!
L: Actually, that’s almost canon for a universe created by Joss Whedon.
J: Yes, but… ewwww!

Star grew to become more dangerous and more unpredictable like her sire. She was learning well and he was proud in his little creation. He trained her in the skills of fighting, capturing and feeding,

J: “This is how to eat a ham-on-rye sandwich.”
L: “Ohhhhh, in the mouth! Of course! Boy, is my face red.”

she took it on all rather well.
A little too well if you ask Duke now. If you could.

J: I’m sensing foreshadowing.
L: I’m sensing reflux.

Starless got annoyed by her sire, he was constantly looming over her every move.

L: When she was walking, when she was sitting, even when she was looming.
J: Well, he was a loomer. It’s bound to happen.

He took her victims from her and told her it was because he was the dominant one.

J: This is so creepy.
L: So she bottomed?
J: You’re loving this, aren’t you? All the innuendo.
L: *snerk*
J: *sigh* Say it.
L: In HER end-o.
J: You’re a child, honestly.
L: I’d double her entendre.
J: Must… refrain… from stabbing…

He was the boss.

L: Ohhh, so HE’S the boss.
J: Glad we got that cleared up.

The growing vampire didn't like this one bit and so, she fought him, to the death. Star is still alive to this day so it seems she would have one.

J: One what?
L: A death? She’s alive so she had one death?

Such a strange story of a vampire killing their much loved sire.

J: Because that never happens in canon.
L: Actually, it’s generally the sire killing the child. Except for Angel and Darla. Neither happen very often because most vampires are smart enough to use their children as cannon fodder.
J: Which is what should have happened here.
L: If only.


J: No! No buts!
L: Unless it’s But But back from being broken.
J: Yes, that’d be good.

Starless is a strange one.

J: Understatement of the year.
L: She misspelled ‘stupid’. She got the last four letters wrong.
J: That is stupid. I’m done here.
L: Me too. Control, we’re leaving. You can send in the air strike. Purge the skinny vamp like she was a high school girl’s lunch.


[User Picture]From: violins_cry
2008-02-09 11:29 pm (UTC)
omg... burn it with fire...

I loved the way she /didn't/ explain how 'Kitty' became Star, and Star became Starless. Maybe kitty /was/ the bunny and she just appeared out of thin air? *shrug*

(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: talumin
2008-02-10 04:41 am (UTC)
That's the only explanation I could come up with too.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: ofstarstuff
2008-02-10 05:24 pm (UTC)
Amazing. The branding, the bedlam!

Can I use this as an icon quote, please?

J: “Aisle nine, toilet paper, baby food and requests to the Almighty.”
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: talumin
2008-02-10 10:01 pm (UTC)
Of course!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: ofstarstuff
2008-02-11 12:35 am (UTC)
Here you go:

Edited at 2008-02-11 12:36 am (UTC)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: talumin
2008-02-11 12:13 pm (UTC)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)