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Sporkage XIII [Feb. 4th, 2007|11:43 am]


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Offender's Name: Griver Kalde
Offender's Fandom: Final Fantasy 7
RP-Style: Forum
Notable Traits: None. He's a generic psychotic warrior.

Name:Griver Kalde

Lev: Griver? Or Grover?
Jari: So he’s a muppet.



Race: Human/SOLDIER

J: SOLDIER is not a race. They’re, you know, soldiers.
L: No, he said ‘human/SOLDIER’, so maybe it’s a pairing. You know, like ‘human/SOLDIER = OTP’?
J: Oh, so it’s a warning that there’ll be slash.
L: I’ve just come to assume that there will be, generally.

FF Origin: FF7

Weapon(s): Asura, a red-bladed katana with a blue handle, and the Hardedge

Physical Description: He has a slightly tan completion

J: It’s complete!
L: He has the full package.
J: A tan package.

with a decent muscular build. His hair is spiky, the majority of the crimson streaks face forward, though the length appears to have been cut shorter.. He wears a maroon shirt and tan khakis shorts. He also wears red gloves and red and white sneakers to match his hair.

L: Does anything *really* need to be said?

Personality:Griver is a benevolent person, almost never losing his temper or becoming angry. He is always willing to help people with their problems, no matter the size. When a battle breaks out, he stays cool and performs with excellence and style. His honor and pride are strong,

L: Strong and big.

and he will never lose someone's trust on purpose.

L: He will, occasionally, drop it down the back of the couch by accident.

The SOLDIER is a chivalrous one, holding females in very high standards.

J: Which is better than holding them in very high winds.
L: That’s not what chivalry means. Shouldn’t he be holding them in high regard?
J: No, standards. If they don’t live up to them, he stabs them.

History: Griver Kalde was born in Nisca City, a small costal city on the ocean

L: I guess if it’s on water it counts as coastal.
J: That’s not what he meant.
L: How the hell can you tell?

near Rocket Town. His birth itself is a miracle,

L: Twelve attempted abortions and he still survived.
J: Including that one with the plunger.

as he was tested by fate early on to see if he could survive the world‘s hardships. He was born premature, almost certain to suffocate.

J: Holding a pillow over his head will do that.

Yet the baby rose above the condition and survived. His mother named him Griver after a brave and powerful lion ..

L: Grover wasn’t a lion.
J: No, he’s some sort of… blue… thing.
L: I’m concerned by this line of reasoning, as Grover was also Yoda.

The boy led a very peaceful life from the start. He made friends quite easily, and always seemed to play the hero when he and the other children would have grand adventures that their imaginations created.

J: Isn’t every kid the hero? Don’t they pick they’re favourite hero and pretend to be them?
L: See, this idiot is his own hero.

At the age of 7, Griver's father accepted a job to work as an engineer in a far-away place. So, his family kept their house intact for summer trips and left for the gloomy city of Midgar.

L: Emo!Midgar.
J: It’s not emo, it’s just sad.

As young Griver grew older,

J: Astonishing.
L: He tried it the other way around, but his skin got too tight.

he began to play less and less with his friends and more and more on his own.

J: He’d still been trying to organise play-dates in the other city.
L: The commute was hell on his nanny.

He instead would venture off and have solo adventures.

L: He didn’t even need a DM.
J: Spare me your geekiness.

He loved to explore the slums, his generally smaller size allowing him to be undetected by monsters that roamed throughout the dangerous areas.

J: Monsters ignore children, apparently.
L: Can we ignore him too?

He often climbed up the plate, ascending to ShinRa‘s headquarter building. There he would always ponder what secrets were held within its dark walls.

J: Security at ShinRa must be a joke. A creepy kid keeps staring at the building and they do nothing?

But more often than not, he let this thought go,

L: He should have held onto it, because it’s going to be his only one.

enjoying the simplicity of his carefree childhood.

However, his innocence could not protect him for much longer. When Griver was 12, he was attacked by a Whole Eater because he had grown quite a bit.

L: It loitered around, looking for boys on the cusp of adolescence. And then it “grows quite a bit”.
J: This is because he said ‘innocence’, isn’t it?
L: Yes. There’s a reason it sounds like ‘hole eater’.

Desperately Griver tried to escape, but the monster landed a sickle attack right upon his back.

L: Uh-huh. “Sickle attack”.
J: I’ll agree with the sick part.

Crawling away in a bloody mess,

L: First times can be rough.

Griver managed to get away, the monster giving up on its victim.

J: So it just gave up a free meal? Stupid critter.
L: See, Jari? Tastelessness *can* be fun.
J: … I didn’t mean that.
L: Welcome to the dark side, my friend.

The boy proceeded to pass out on the porch of a house in Sector 4, which was one of the better looking areas of Midgar.

L: Ruined slums right next to better looking areas. Urban designing at its finest.

A young girl found the dying boy

L: Yay! He’s dying!

outside and immediately brought him inside and treated his wounds.

L: No! Leave him there! Sell his jewellery and send the corpse to the glue factory!

Fate had once again sided with Griver.

J: That’s not fate. That’s luck.
L: I wish fate would side with us and end him.

Waking up a day later, Griver looked over his bed and was in awe at the girl who was his savior, sleeping in a chair next to him. She had been watching and caring for the boy the entire time.

L: Except now, when she was asleep.

Awaking within a few moments, she introduced herself as Kalia. The two seemed to get along extremely well, as if they had known each other for years. They talked for hours on end as the day passed them by. Realizing it was getting late, Griver headed out the door.

L: He’s just recovered from severe internal wounding and he’s going to walk back through the same area after one day’s rest?

As he was about to leave, Kalia gently kissed his cheek,

J: They’re all slutty like that in Sector 4.
L: Sign up now, for hot Sector 4 sluts! They’ll kiss your cheek like there’s no tomorrow.

asking him to come back some day and take her away from the hellhole that is Midgar and to somewhere peaceful.

J: Is she randomly asking strangers to kidnap her?
L: Slutty, and not too bright. Sounds like Grover’s kinda girl.

Griver smiled and promised her that he would. With a wave, the boy ran back home.

A year later, a scientist approached the door of the Kaldes’ house.

L: He was going to bribe the door into locking forever and making the family starve to death.

His name was Dr. Mavers, and he was from SOLDIER. He explained to Griver and his parents that he was doing a project to develop a weapon that could bring global peace

J: Yeah, weapons are generally designed for peace.

and he wanted to do it by making a new kind of SOLDIER.

L: The old kind kept going crazy and screaming about Jenova.

He wanted to use Griver, as he had was intrigued by the boy‘s courage and strength, seeing him ascend and descend the Pillar often.

L: Creepy kiddy-fiddler scientist.
J: Yes, you should be concerned when people ‘often’ watch you climb up and down things.

Griver accepted the offer without hesitation . His mindset was that if he went with him, he could become stronger and come through with his promise to Kilia, helping her to escape a horrible future

J: A job?
L: Pimps.

and to make a world where the two of them could live in peace. His parents showed a little concern, but they agreed.

L: (as parents) Finally, an excuse to get rid of him!

Hugging and kissing their son goodbye, they watched as their child left with ShinRa’s scientist.

Griver was put into a liquid filled chamber and then placed into a deep sleep. For years scientists genetically spliced his DNA and enhanced the teenager, giving him various skills and abilities ordinary people could only imagine having in addition to the normal SOLDIER program.

J: And what does the normal SOLDIER program cover? Oh that’s right. Skills and abilities ordinary people can only imagine because THE WHOLE THING’S IMAGINARY!
L: Speak for yourself. I have materia right here.
J: That’s a rock.
L: A *shiny* rock.

As the deadline of seven years approached, ShinRa stormed SOLDIER headquarters

J: Doesn’t Shinra own SOLDIER anyway?

and demanded that SOLDIER give them complete of the project.

L: “Give us complete of project.”
J: “Someone set up us the bomb.”
L: “All your SOLDIER are belong to us.”
J: That’s taking it too far.

They said that this "weapon"

J: He says like he hasn’t just spent two paragraphs explaining that it *is* a weapon.

could be used to hunt down the Ancients and their secrets or destroy any threats to ShinRa. They forcibly withdrew Griver from his chamber, placing electric bonds on his hands. This was an incredibly horrible mistake however..

ShinRa has awoken Griver, but the electric current has warped and altered his mind.

L: If only they’d used regular handcuffs. Like, you know, they *do*.
J: Well, it couldn’t be the Stu’s fault that he went crazy. That might indicate, (gasp!) a flaw!

He has become a crazed homicidal maniac.

L: Which when stacked up against sane homicidal maniacs, is much worse.
J: But not as bad a crazed homicidal regular people.

Our friend has already wiped out 2/3 of the SOLDIERs

L: Just the top two-thirds. He cut them off at the thighs.
J: But the torsos are still intact?

in this very room with incredible ability.

J: That was such a special room. They had high hopes for the Chamber with Incredible Ability.

I can only pray that he returns to normal soon...We wanted to make a weapon....and we succeeded but maybe too.... This was the last log entry of the late Dr. Mavers,

J: (as Dr. Mavers) There’s a homicidal maniac running about my lab! First things first, make a note in my log about it.
L: Do you think he used Livejournal or an actual log?
J: At least he didn’t sign it “Arrrrgh!”

the scientist who had came to the Kalde house for Griver...

Griver escaped from Midgar and roamed the world for a year, killing hundreds of people with his terribly awesome skills.

L: Were they also gnarly and totally bodacious?

The time was called by many "The One Year Massacre" as many innocent people and warriors alike were slain by an insanity-driven Griver. But the killings halted sharply, though they ended with one last death..

The SOLDIER had returned to Midgar and found his parents house. Blinded by blood, death and madness, he lured out and struck down his own father. But this horrible act woke up the real Griver, reviving the good side of him.

J: The children he’d slaughtered previously did not matter at all.
L: That kindergarten never knew what hit them.
J: You’re sick.
L: At least I’m not going on about the ‘hole-eater’ again.

Kneeling down next to dying his father, he lowered his face down to his dad‘s. With a dying breath, the man smiled and spoke to his boy. "I'll always be proud of you....my son..."

J: So his father is stupid too. That explains a lot.
L: (as father) I’m so proud. You slaughtered me good, boy.

With that he died in his son's arms. The young man was heart broken, but he couldn’t to cry. The experiments had stripped him of it, calling it only a sign of weakness.

J: Tear ducts just take up perfectly good killing space.
L: He can kill just using his sinuses.

Griver ran to his mother and embraced her, begging for forgiveness.

J: Have you hugged your gore-spattered, serial-killing, spouse-murdering SOLDIER today?

She cried on her son's shoulder, letting him know she forgave him for his acts, saying he had no control over him

Now 21, Griver has returned to Nisca City with his mother. Swearing to never use his skills for something so dark again, he left on a journey to return to Midgar.

J: So he left Midgar, to return to Midgar… yes, that’s in keeping with the sheer stupidity shown thus far in the application.

He hoped to see a young woman there, hopefully still waiting for her hero to liberate her.

L: And then they hoped some more.
J: We hope.

However, he soon found that ShinRa had her killed by the Turks, to use it as a lure to lure the SOLDIER out.

J: Great plan. “He’ll definitely come if she’s dead!”
L: Maybe they taught him to be a necrophiliac.
J: … Stop being creepy.
L: I couldn’t, even if I wanted to.

In tears, Griver ran away from Midgar, shouting he would never return there.

J: Now he can cry?
L: The amount of loving love he felt for her overcame his lack of tear ducts.
J: Oh god, he cries blood, doesn’t he?
L: Now *that’s* Goth.
J: I also like how he vows never to return to Midgar. Good luck, buddy! Seems like every other day you’re returning there.
L: I get the impression that this person didn’t actually play all the way through the first disk of the game.