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Sporkage XI [Dec. 23rd, 2006|01:04 pm]
Spoonyfork

eyespork

[talumin]
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Offender's Name: Zelda Katrina Linares
Fandom: StarFox
Roleplay Style: mIRC
Notable Traits: Being a squirrel. No, really.


----- Zelda Katrina Linares -----

J: Zelda? Really? Why not just name her Peach Sheikh Samus Mario-Kart?

- General Info -
Age: 19
Sex: Female
Species: Squirrel
Profile: Actress (Civilian)

Background Info -
According to the E! True Hollywood Stories,

J: Which don’t exist in this canon. Thank god.

Katri grew up knowing poverty, sadness, and abuse. They're all idiots.

J: Oh, the wit!

She grew up as the daughter of a solar power tycoon and his supermodel wife, who amazingly loved each other for WHO

J: The World Health Organisation? What do they have to do with anything?

they were instead of for looks and money.

J: Because as we all know, solar power tycoons are the most shallow of all… um… squirrel creatures.

She was raised in a loving home, given a wonderful education, and exposed to opportunities many people could only pray their children had a chance at.

J: She was exposed to the opportunities. That doesn't mean she took them.

As a result, Katri was very friendly, talented, and intelligent. However, she was also very trusting. Her first, and only misfortune happened at her Senior Prom,

J: This is the only bad thing that has happened to her. Ever. She’s that fucking perfect that she has never even stubbed a toe.

when the captain of the football team took her, the captain of the cheerleading squad, out of the school and into the nearby woods. She had already been in several movies of all genres

J: Yes, all genres. Action/porn, comedy/porn, drama/porn, porn/porn…
Z: Horror/porn…
J: Well, she’s suited to the horror part.


and was a huge hit every time. The football team captain had other things on his mind when he tried to rip off her dress. Although she was very adept in Snake Kung Fu,

J: That seems wrong somehow, since she’s a squirrel and all…

she was not strong enough to free her paws and strike him. Luckily, an admirerer of hers, who always watched from afar,

J: Pervert. Why do these bios always end up all smutty?

heard her screams and, not about to let this go unnoticed,

J: Yes, he must go and watch, immediately!

ran to her aid.

The resulting brawl was quick and brutal... for the team captain. The admirerer, a badger, grabbed the team captain by his shoulders and pulled him off of Katri. Not about to let her opportunity go by, she lifted her feet up into position and drilled both heels into the groin of the team captain, then kippuped and threw knifehand thrust after thrust into the torso of her assailant, only stopping after delivering two thrusts to his kidneys,

J: Whatever type of creature the football captain is, he apparently has kidneys in his front.

thus leaving him in writhing pain... once he managed to wake up.

J: Apparently kidneys are linked to consciousness.

All she got to see of her rescuer was the fact that he was a badger, and that he was wearing a Cornerian Military uniform. Thus began her adoration for soldiers and her support for Corneria's war effort. She applied to enlist as a medic in the reserves, but somehow her application was found by General Pepper. Thus, she was singled out as a choice to be placed into the recreated LEST3.

J: Wha? A reserve medic gets picked for an anti-terrorist squad?

Advantages and Disadvantages -
Attention-getter: Being noticed in crowds and the like will give her a -4 roll in all situations where she has not disguised herself properly and is attempting stealth and/or deception. She is not very good at 'laying low' by virtue of her- well, being her, the great Zelda Katrina Linares!

J: I’m still not sure why she’s so famous, besides her parents being rich. Wait, is she the Paris Hilton of the StarFox world?

Unless she is properly disguised, that is.

Notes -
Equipment:
Weighted Longsword

J: Weighted with rocks and tied around her neck, let’s hope.

Ruby Pendant
Strawberry Lollypop
Pen of Autograph Signing +1!

J: You can just see the creator of this filth LOLing now, can’t you?
LinkReply

Comments:
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: talumin
2006-12-26 12:55 pm (UTC)
Wait, this was approved? I thought it was a rejected one!
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