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Sporkage VI [Sep. 30th, 2006|04:05 am]



This was sent in to us, and although it is not an application to a fandom RPG, it's too dreadful to ignore. If people are prepared for sporks from only some of the Spork-crew, then we may begin accepting non-fandom biographies, although these would be rare exceptions. Potentials can be sent to eyespork@gmail.com. Canon stupid is too 'good' to ignore.

On to the spork.

Offender's Name: Aphrodite Athenae Olympus
Fandom: Original
Role-play Style: Forum
Notable Traits: A can-do attitude in the face of adversity and the ability to create run-on sentences of infinite length.

[Name >> Aphrodite Athenae Olympus

J: No! Bad! *stabs*

[Alias>> Goddess
[Age >> 15
[Gender >> Female

[Tribe >> Ciggarettes

Z: I’m pretty certain that isn’t the name of one of the tribes.
J: I think you’re right.

[Rank >> Hunter
[Nationality >> Greek/Greece
[Politics >> I don't belive in politics.

J: But does politics believe in you?

But I do have my morals.
[Romantic orientation >> Straight. She fell in love with Scipio and Italian boy

J: Two guys at once? Slutty.

who roamed the streets of Venice but was chased away to New Pork. But she loves the water and earth most and her poetry and art.

[Appearance >> She is a very pretty sight hence her naming after the greek goddess of love and beauty and desire. Her frame is slim –So she can squeeze into tight corners-

J: Great! Let’s put her in an envelope and send her to Zanzibar.

yet you can tell there is muscle and she has a very curvy figure. She has waist length golden hair that curls softly at the ends and the smaller pieces in the front curl under her heart shaped face softly.

J: I’m going to spork my eyes now. Softly.
Z: Softly won’t get the job done.

Her eyes are a beautiful sea blue that sparkle and shimmer in the light and twinkle when she gives out her tinkling laugh.

J: She just gives it out on the street. Sort of like the Big Issue.

She wears a very comfortable clothing which she looks good in and yet can fight or relax in.

J: Translation: a smock.

She wears very faded jeans with holes in the knees that fit her in all the right faces

J: She has jeans that cover faces?
Z: With breathing holes unfortunately.
J: So that’s why there are holes in the knees. For the face-knees.
Z: Maybe somebody’s *de-faced* her jeans.
J: Hey! I make the bad puns around here.

complimenting her figure

J: And the faces compliment her. It’s like walking around with in-built yes-men.

and a white flowy tube top.

Z: You can’t have ‘flowy’ tube tops. It’s a tube. I can't take this any more. *flees*

She wears silver hoops and a beautiful turquoise ankle braclets and normal braclets. It is mainly put up in a long fancy ponytail her golden curls spiraling down her back

J: What is? The bracelets? Ponytail bracelets.

–I’m talking like it goes while up in a ponytail all the way down her spine-. She always has her pets with her, Bubo the beautiful barn owl and the two red fox pups Apollo and Artemis.
[Weapon(s)>> Her bow and arrows, and silver knife.
[Attitude >> She is very positive –normally when she is painting or writing her poetry- and is always beaming at everyone and putting in a humorous attitude in the atmosphere and is very level-headed.

J: And then she has ice-cream and bakes cookies and is bestest friends with everyone and can see through time and is beautiful.

She can very deep at these points and using her cunning wit will recite verses or sometimes hum a cheery tune. She can also be very queenly and acts quiet like a leader. She can also be very serious aswell. But she has great respect for Kathryn.

J: Because no one serious respects Kathryn, whoever that is, as our Sue doesn't explain.

[Notable History >> Goddess’s parents met on a elevator in Italy when it got stuck and they were trapped inside for four hours inside the elevator

J: And here was me thinking they were standing on top of it.

and they dated for 2 years and then married. The day after the wedding Aphrodite father Jaie's sister Elaine was killed and in sorrow became a heavy drinker

J: Being dead can make you quite depressed.

and when Aphrodite was born he often hit her mother Dione.

J: (as Sue’s father) Bad Dione! I told you not to smoke during the pregnancy, and now look! We have a Sue-daughter!

Aphrodite grew up in a beautiful manor next to the sea where she spent all her childhood swimming with her mother and laughing.

J: Every. Single. Second of it. Laughing and swimming. Nothing else. NOTHING ELSE!

But the abuse grew worse as Aphrodite grew-up. She didn’t have birthday partys and she was afraid to bring friends over.

J: What friends? All she does it hang out with her mother.

Her family was rich her mother being a heiress and her father being a famous photographer and make-up artist

J: Does she even understand the concept of punctuation? It’s not there to make the words look pretty.

–No he was not gay!-.

J: Good idea. Become very defensive about his masculinity. That’ll prove to everyone he’s straight.

As Aphrodite turned 14 and her beauty melted out its child looks and began to develop a beautiful woman figure, her father became interested and during the middle of the night one night crept into her room and binding her ran off in the night with her in the backseat of his car gagged and bound squirming against the restraints. She awoke in a cold room still bound and shivering.

J: This would be a horrible scene if I wasn’t certain she’s using it specifically to angst about it later. She certainly seems well-adjusted afterwards, without any effort either.

Her life turned into hell from that day on.

J: Yes, I’m sure her perky attitude is just a mask hiding the OMG!pain.

Every other day her father came in to take photos of her for money and would sell them to magazines.

J: Well, it’s kind of hard to sell them for things other than money.

He had all his equipment and many backgrounds and props and very slutty outfits.

J: Which he’d taken from her wardrobe.

Aphrodite had almost given up when she heard a rapping at the window late one night when she was 15. The window was up at 15 feet high

J: 15 Feet High was the pub around the corner. The window always slipped off for a quiet drink.

from where Aphrodite was shackled to the cold stone wall. The glass then shattered with a soft tinkling and a thump came as feet collided with the stone floor. Aphrodite looked up and saw a a young man probably her age or a year older

J: He was wearing his “I’m nearly the same age as you” T-shirt.

wearing a mask worn by those during the times of the black death. She inhaled sharply as he put his hand on her mouth and put his finger to his lips and with a hair pin from Aphrodites hair went to try and pick the lock.

J: So her father chains her to the wall so he can take kinky photos, but leaves her hair pins in? This is where she gets her stupid from.

Aphrodite gazed at him and whispered softly, "Who are you?". The young man looked up and said in a hushed whisper, "Who am I asks the fair maiden?"

J: He is the stater of the obvious.

he chuckled at the end and with a click the last shakle fell to the ground. He uncoiled a rope with a hook at the end -I know there is a name for these things...-

J: Sues don’t need no stinking research.

and swung it around his head and then made it connect

J: With the back of her head.

and hook against the now broken window sill above them.

J: The window had spent its entire pay check at the pub. Silly, alcoholic window.

He instructed her to hold on to his back while he climbed up but Aphrodite only shook her head and whispered, "I may be a fair helpless damsel to you m'dear but I much more."

J: She is also a Sue with a bad case of grammar-poisoning.

She smiled and climbed up the rope with almost ease and as the unknown stranger came to the top she helped him up onto the roof.

J: Right… escape imprisonment from creepy father by leaving with total stranger who you immediately trust and let touch you intimately. This Sue gets creepier by the second.

She looked around and inhaled sharply as she looked at the narrow canals and beautiful sights ontop the manors roof and she breathed,"Its beautiful."

J: Yes, that’d be my first though on escaping abusive captivity – the scenery.

The stranger nodded and stared at aphrodite and whispered," Yes you are...

J: Is he creeping anyone else out? I’m guessing he’s a fan of the magazines her father sells the pictures to and decided to go directly to the source.

Whats your name?"
Aphrodite smiling coyly and said,"Aphrodite.Your's 'o master of mystery?"

J: Gah! The punctuation abuse! It’s like acid in my brainstem!

He laughed and said,"Scipio. Bt my name hardly compares to yours."

J: It’s not pretentious for a start.

Aphrodite blushed and was about to say something when a loud alarm went off and swearing under his breath Scipio looked about him. He then looked at her and asked," Can you swim?

J: Can you fly? *pushes Sue off the roof*

Confused Aphrodite slowly nodded and he said,
"We need to jump. It's the only way withought getting caught."
Aphrodite gulped and he looked at her, his deep chocolate eyes gaze clashing with her sea blue eyes as he whispered softly," Do you trust me?"
Aphrodite looked down and felt naeusiated by the 40 feet below them. He extended his hand and cautiously she reached for it and entwined their fingers and with a running start down off the roof and jumped off.

J: And then they had crumpets and tea and then went to the park and they bought a balloon and it was red and then the bought more ice-cream… oh wait, I already did that joke. Damn you, Sue! Learn to write properly!

Aphrodite screaming and Scipio laughing as they fell in slow motion

J: This whole thing feels like it’s in slow motion. It’s taking forever.

into the canal and then with a roar of an engine a boat sped under them and they landed in a heap on the bow on the boat.

J: She makes it so easy to mock. Brain… melting…

Scipio started belting out laughing

J: He was already laughing. He didn’t just start.

as she landed and he so weak from laughing couldn't push Aphrodite off of him. Aphrodite slowly chimed in her tinkling laugh

J: Yeah, nearly dying is hi-larious.

combined with his great booming laugh was deffinetly something to hear.

J: Have you ever heard a bell strike the hour when there’s a pigeon strapped inside? Yeah, kinda like that.

She finally found the strength to get off of him and weakly leaned against the side of the boat he on the other just staring at each other. They were interupted as a young boy came pounding up from the stern and yelled,

"Scip! Scip! Did you get anything?! What did you get?! Did you find gold? Or Silver?"

J: Silver was the pet parakeet that they’d lost months ago. Despite Scipio constantly telling everyone that it had been turned into three feather boas, people kept asking if he’d found it.

Scipio chuckled and said in his smooth tones,
"That and more my little friend."
Shyly the young boy with the blonde curly hair hid behind Scipio and smiling once more he said,
"This is the lovley Sig.ina Aphrodite"

J: How does the little kid know her name? Creepy telepathic children… *mutters*

He speaks italian?

J: Umm, that wasn’t Italian. Nor was it English. It’s a word with punctuation in the middle.

We're in large canal...

J: Are they drowning? Please let them be drowning.

Venice?! How far have I been from the sea side manor in Greece?"

J: Well, I’d say the distance from Greece to Venice.

She beamed brightly outstretched her hand and the shyness melted and he began asking many questions and soon was asleep in her lap and the boat then slowed and gently Aphrodite picked him up and Scipio introduced her to the rest of the gang.

J: Holy run-on sentence, Sporkman!

Mosca,Hornet,Prosper and Riccio and the little one was Bo. As they walked into their theatre home the Stella Aphrodite laid next to Bo and stroked his hair and listened to Scipio talk about his many raids. Later that night she awoke unsettled and went outside and crept to the canals and then looked up at the stars on a bridge crossing over the canal.

J: She was surprised to see stars walking around on Earth, but then she realised it was because she was batshit crazy.

She gasped as behind her was Scipio and she laughed and said,
"You scared me half to death with that mask on!"

J: Here’s a knife. Finish the job.

He laghed softly and slowly

J: Damn lag. He really should upgrade to Broadband.

took it off revealing his face for the first time.

J: And he was… her mother!

He had dark brown curly locks and a porcealin face and deep chocolate eyes.

J: He’s hot cocoa! In a cup!

Aphrodite placed a hand on his cheek and felt their lips clash and from that night on they were inseperable.

J: She’d been using super-glue as lip gloss.

For a year they ran as the leaders of the small band of orphans stealing from the rich people in venice and selling it to a black market dealer named Barboasa. During that year Aphrodite was given two young fox pups from Scipio

J: Wha… why did he do this? Food’s scarce, I’m sure.

and named them Artemis and Apollo. Then she was chased down by the police onto a cruise ship

J: They were trying to deport her and were very pleased that they succeeded.

with her two fox pups and left Venice...forever.

J: Cue melodramatic music… forever.

[Reputation >> She is known for being the soft tinkling laughter in the wind,

J: She was known for being a sound. That makes sense. They never see her because they hear her coming and flee.

looking noble next to her fellow tribe members

J: In other words, she’s better and prettier than all the other characters. Nyeh nyeh nyeh.

and speaking softly and rarley, but when she does speak her words har

J: That’s all they do. She speaks and her words go “Har. Har. Har.”

very deep.

J: She had testosterone injections so she sounds like Barry White.

You will often see her asking for advice from wise looking Bubo or playing with the pups. And sometimes she even asks them for help aswell. She consults Artemis on her surrondings and fighting and social problems

J: And I’m sure the fox tells her the key to solving her social problems is to stop asking a fox for advice and expecting an answer.

while Apollo critiques her poetry and many paintings of the sky and sea and other such natural elements around them. However she dislikes when people ask her why she dosen't paint the buildings and city of New pork. She will just say softly in her soft silken tones,

J: Wait a minute… her soft silken tones were soft? Dear God, has someone alerted the media? Or the Department of Redundancy Department?

"The buildings have no life, they are not produced from the heavens nor from the earth. They are /dead/ to me.

J: And thankful for it. By the way, there are other ways to emphasise something that *don’t* include putting slashes around it. Oh look, I just did it then.

They have no passion while the sky and the sea!"

J: While the sky and sea what? Slosh slowly backwards and forwards?

She will then gaze at the clouds and will not respond for a great while

J: She… responds to statements she makes. Is anyone else getting the feeling that she asks herself questions and then doesn’t like the answer?

as the pups play in her lap under the supervision of Bubo.

J: The light of a thousand suns all going supernova at once do not compare with the burning my eyes feel now. Burn it with napalm, salt the earth and dance on the ashes.

[User Picture]From: babyfirelizard
2006-09-29 08:22 pm (UTC)
Well, the whole middle part is obviously a rip from Theif Lord, a very bad one at that...

It burns... so bad... how can people even think about writing something like this?
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: talumin
2006-09-30 03:50 am (UTC)
Is that Cornelia Funke?
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: babyfirelizard
2006-09-30 02:07 pm (UTC)
Yeah. My sister was reading it so I stole it. It was actually really good.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: ofstarstuff
2006-09-29 09:05 pm (UTC)
Oh gods, thanks a lot. I really needed something to make my day ;) Thanks for sporking the bio. My poor eyes are much better now, with the added spork ^^

And yes, that was a rip-off Thief Lord. Who *doesn't* exist on our setting. At all. ...Well, once, we had someone applying for him O_o
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: sturmpt
2006-09-29 09:26 pm (UTC)

I don't know if I should kiss you for showing me this, or be mad, because now my parents think I'm crazy, because of all the laughing...
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: veiled_silver
2006-10-14 06:41 am (UTC)
Pure agony never looked this good.
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[User Picture]From: roadkilledkat
2006-10-23 04:17 am (UTC)
I hurt *Feels brain seeping out from ear*
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